Hit the Reset Button.

“It's interesting, isn't it, to watch this character attempting to reconstruct herself, quite literally, in the midst of this chaos?”
-Liz Kay

my my what a year has done to me. San Diego, you were beautiful to me. you taught me how love can still exist, you taught me that pain can be monumental, and you taught me to learn to let go of the chaos. 

it's been about a year since i've written anything and to be quite frank, i was too busy LIVING. was it a good life? sometimes. for the most part, i lived a half life. i found myself working as a hostess at two restaurants downtown and in a world of sex, drugs and a blur. who had i become? i had completely lost myself and all morals i once had. after i broke up with D2, i had become a wreck and succumbed to the entrapment of cocaine. i had found men that would use me and in turn, i would use them for more coke. what a fucking vicious cycle. at my breaking point i had burned the bridges with E and C remained the love of my life that would never love me back. heartbroken and a complete mess, i opted to do the only thing left to do:rehab.

now, i decided to go back to my hometown and face my demons head on. i went to a rehab in Santa Monica and boy, did reality hit me like a two ton truck. i had been striped of all my coping mechanisms and left to face my emotions in their rawest form. fuck this. i spent 90 days being indoctrinated with how to "live" a sober life. meetings after meetings, what little freedom i had had been carefully supervised and i was left alone with my thoughts. i had gone in with the mentality of never being with a man again, for in the end, men had been my downfall again and again. fuck men. to hell with men. they could all suck my cock for a change. to my dismay, women are no easier creatures to deal with. egocentric and cruel, the women at the facility proved to be a challenge far greater than any i've encountered. they were ruthless and judgmental and for the first time i realized that i was not like them. empathetic and supportive, i had become a doormat for people to walk all over and in rehab i would stand my ground. however, getting to the point proved to be difficult. i showed up a few days before thanksgiving, broken and ashamed, i watched as other girls maneuvered their way through the system. what on earth was i doing here? i was an addict that's for sure but had i really gone down this far? simply put, i had. i had reached rock bottom and well, when that happens all you can do is dust yourself off and get the fuck up. 

i met many women who changed my life for the better and i was the poster child for rehab. i did everything right and had no qualms with anyone. but, what changed everything was B. i ran into him sometime in december, i had an appointment with the psychologist and he was in the lobby waiting to be admitted. my first thought was "ehh he's kind of cute" but that quickly became irrelevant when i realized he was in rehab just like me. how on earth could that possibly be good? not only that, there would be no way he would be interested. at the meeting later that evening, i went up to him and told him hello, he had a brief conversation and that was the extent of that. my feelings definitely changed the moment DB mentioned she liked B. she was one of the few friends i had there and so out of respect, i let go of any feelings i had (not to mention he probably had no clue who i was). weeks went by and the two of them got closer and i focused on myself. I met J at a MA meting in culver city. a few years younger than me, he proved to be much more understanding than other people. we flirted in a very coy manner for weeks until one day he picked me up to go to a meeting. we went to a meeting and afterwards he invited me to dinner. we laughed and i was extremely honest with him. about my past, the hurt and how i found myself in rehab. he didn't judge and honestly just listened. he took me to the beach and under the night sky, while listening to the ocean waves he kissed me. i thought, maybe this was it. maybe i would find happiness. alas that didn't pan out. i had called C one night and told him everything that happened and where i was and out of nowhere he said he would come and visit me. shocked, i could help but feel excited to see him. after all, he was leaving to Spain and i would never see him again. 

C showed up on a saturday afternoon and i took him to my favorite part of town: little tokyo. we had ramen at my favorite place and for a spilt second it was as if nothing had changed between us. he kissed me first (which surprised me considering how much he disliked kissing in general) and held my hand the entire time. i could feel my heart breaking but i also needed the closure. i'll never forget the look on his face when he dropped me off at my meeting later that night, i was never really good at goodbyes but this proved to be especially hard. the both of us were on the verge of tears and for the first time i could see just how much he cared for me. i couldn't understand why he couldn't commit but now i understand, it leaves you vulnerable. it takes an amount of courage that he wasn't ready for and i was just this selfish piece of shit who wanted things her way. that night stays engraved in my memory as if it were branded onto me. he was the love of my life. he was my soul mate and i will never find someone like him in a million years. but not all soul mates are meant to stay in your life. some are just supposed to come and shake you up. and that he did. i learned to love with him. i learned to love myself with him. i learned to be alone.

as i walked back to the facility, tears streaming down my face, i ran into B. by this time, we had become somewhat friends and i was relieved to see a familiar face. i asked him if he wanted to hang out with me and take a walk and to my surprise he agreed. we walked for hours around the promenade, talking about my night and how disappointed i was at how my life turned out. and all he did was listen. it was comforting to say the least. our friendship continued to blossom after that night and we were able to learn a lot about each other. DB had left rehab and according to some sources had begun using heroine once again. then one night, she was gone. ODed and never woke up. i have never experienced such a loss before and felt shocked at how real things could get. were drugs worth it? no. but they sure as hell felt so god damn good. i asked B how he felt considering that he and DB were close. i assumed they were an item but when i asked he candidly replied with "we were just friends."  that's when things began to change between us. it was a spark i suppose, something was ignited in the both of us and we couldn't help it. by the time i left the facility we were official. 

did i make a rash decision? probably but that's me. i jump full throttle into things because, hell, there's only one chance in life, and i'm going to take it. for far too long i allowed myself to become a victim of my surroundings but not this time. this time i would choose to make my future a little bit brighter. i relapsed after i got out and felt like a piece of shit until i realized that purpose is what's needed in life. i had no purpose, no sense of direction. i had done the school thing, i had done the minimum wage job thing, i had relocated time and time again and still i felt nothing. so, i did the only thing that was left to do; i joined the navy. now, anyone who knows me would say "what the actauly fuck Carmen? are you serious?!" and to be fair years ago i would have chimed in. but this time its different. i need a purpose. i need discipline. i need something bigger than me to fill this void i have in my soul. 

so it's with courage that i say my life has made a complete 360. i don't do drugs, i don't have many friends that i keep in constant contact with anymore, and i am content with living at home with my mom. i am content with my life in this very moment and i have never felt that way before. i yearned for more and more and always ended up feeling like a failure. now, as my departure for bootcamp approaches, i can't help but feel a sense of pride. 

my life is no where near where i thought it would be but i wouldn't change it for anything in the world. my experiences have changed my mentality for the better and i have come to accept my flaws. i am reborn, i am a different soul and i am thrilled to see where this new life will take me. the countries i'll visit, the people i'll meet and the structure i'll have to make my life...manageable. 

cheers! to having lived a quarter if a century and knowing that life will be alright.       

Ready, Set, Go!

“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

well, more than a year has passed since seattle. i moved to the beautiful city of san diego; a place where the sun shines 350 days out of the year. ok, perhaps i'm exaggerating but jesus, it's gorgeous. 

i met my current roommate on craigslist. dear lord baby jesus, was that a sight for sore eyes. the both of us were on our last resorts in an attempt to find a roommmate. once she emailed me, it was love at first sight. never have i ever met a person more in tune with the world. her understanding of people, her background as a psych nurse and her dabbling in the night life and gay scene, i could not help but jump at the opportunity to absorb her energy. 

as the months went by, i couldn't help but stop and wonder: could this really be how the rest of my life unfolds? living happily with soeone who actually understands me?! after many panic attacks and suicidal thoughts, i began on the long journey that involved meds. now, did i want to take them? absolutely not. however, there comes a point in one's life where you are at a crossroads: continue on the path that one has always taken or try something different. i have always been afraid of change but i think that this time, things will be different, i think the meds will really help me acheive the stability i have been longing for.

if you must know, something did push me to the brink. D's crazy jewish gf went full throttle. i recently tested positive for chlamydia. yeah, i've never even had a yeast infection. so of course, the only two options were C and D. to back track a little, C was our old upstairs neighbor whom i took a liking too. i became very fond of him but, he did not reciprocate. so, instead of wasting my time, i said good bye. now, after the results where given to me, still in shock, i reached out to D in the most ridiculous manner: i said "thanks for giving me chlamydia, stay classy!" (middle finger emoji). yes, that was not the smartest way to react but come on! after everything i went through with D, it's the least crazy way to react. anywho, the bitch went cray. stalked me through fb and sent me the most disgusting text message. after i calmed that fire, her friends harassed me at my local starbucks. girl, let a woman get some damn coffee first! 

i placed a restraining order on this bitch and decided to leave my life in the hands of god. weeks later, after discovering C had been the culprit in all this fiasco, D came crawling back and asked for forgiveness. really?! i understand that some people need to get let go but at what cost? my sanity? you put me over the edge! maybe J was right. you were in love with me. but honey it's too late and i've moved on. i want nothing but your body if anything. 

i tried tinder and jswipe for a while. thought i would get into this whole "hook up" culture. nevertheless, i managed to find a D2 who seemed extremely interested in me. after meeting D2 and getting over the fact that D and D2 had the same name, he was perfect. if i could wish for a man, it would be him. and so, i sit here, at my internship, (pretending to do work) thinking that perhaps life may not be so bad after all.

i work downtown, i found someone who i can potentially let completely in, and i am surrounded by friends who love and support me. 

thank you Univervise, may i continue to prosper and may you feel how grateful i am for all that i have.  

Take Deux.

"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"

-Charles Bukowski

clarity of mind. 

i never quite understood the meaning of that phrase. i figured it was some hippie mumbo jumbo that they preached in order for people to think they learned from life rather than going to college.

however, i find myself in an odd predicament. i am now a hippie. 

clarity of mind isn't just a phrase, it's a choice, its a lifestyle. i wake up each and every day facing a battle. not a physical one but a mental one, one where i cannot see my enemy and vanquish him in one swipe of my sword. no, my battle lies deep within the inner workings of my mind. it would have destroyed me had i not left.

that's right. i no longer reside in the prison that was Los Angeles. sure, it's gorgeous and definitely has its perks but, it wasn't in the cards for me to stay there too long. for years i have been trying to please everyone but the one person that truly matters: me. i went from relationship to relationship in the hopes of finding love, i floated in social circles in search of a "best friend," and i starved myself of my own ambitions to please the expectations of my mother. all for what? to lay in bed at night wondering of who the hell i am? i had to find myself, i had to leave in order to come home.

i went to the only place where my heart has found peace; seattle. i decided to take the train. you see, as the hopeless romantic that i am, i figured all the greats have traveled by train, they went in search of themselves and i too, yearned to be free. free of the negativity, free of the expectations, free of the sorrow, free of the toxic people. i arrived in this city and for the first time in my life, i feel peace. i have consumed myself in books, yoga, krav maga, and babysitting. i've out my patience to the test and have found that as a person...i'm pretty damn awesome. i can love even through all the pain, i can smile with the sadness and i am beginning to truly let go.

let go. what an odd concept. we are meant to experience and let people in and in the same fashion we are expected to let them go and release all the emotions that come attached. well, let's face it, i never did learn how to let go. it was sort of like my kryptonite. i couldn't bear to live with my pain and yet i wouldnt dare to live without it. seattle has been more than just a vacation, it's been my saving grace. i would have killed myself in LA, i would have pumped my body with pills and numbed myself in order to not feel anything at all. but, this...THIS IS MY SECOND CHANCE.

i can finally begin to love myself, to treat myself with kindness and respect, to reignite the passion i had for the things i loved, to live MY LIFE FOR ME. it's truly a blessing that i have come this far. that after everything that has occurred in my complex life, i have managed to succeed for you see...success can not be measured by tangible things but the happiness that one feels. that is true success and i have never been happier. sure, i'm single, in a different state, with no friends but i don't need any of those things. i am surrounded by my family, i have structure, i have love. i am experiencing myself in a brand new way and god damn it, i am relishing these moments. of course, there have been rough days, days where i thought i would lose myself but i take a step back and realize that i can do this. i can overcome it. i will be well again and this illness won't last forever.

as for D, i can say only one thing. i am utterly surprised. he seems like a different person. a little more responsible and a little more open. we text here and there and he was the first person to facetime me (because he called me) and boy did that feel great. however, i do remind myself that my journey does not revlve around him. that my decisions in life must be centered around my well being but isn't it crazy that the more i begin to plan my life...he never too far. 

what will i do upon my return to California? well for starters i won't be living in LA. to be honest, i have fallen head over heels for san diego. its strangely calming and it's the only other city that feels like home. i want to finsih school and pursue a career in speech therapy and work wiht children (unless i become a special education teacher for elementary school children). it's really quite astonishing how my mind finally feels free to do what i wanted to do and somehow i've been lying to myself. i am no party girl, i am no club scene girl, and i am certainly no promiscuous girl.  

who am i? 

passionate for learning and teaching, hungry for the written word, confident and articulate, strong willed and unwilling to bend more than i deem fit, unwavering in my faith that what is meant to be, will be, conscious of the feelings of others, humble in knowing that nothing lasts forever and compassionate towards those less fortunate than me, excited to be surrounded by intelligent, driven, outspoken people, and most important courageous in the face of the unknown. change can be difficult but for me it's a challenge i willing accept. for wihtout change, comes no growth and how can one truly live without growing just a wee bit taller? 

who am i? i can finally say that i am nothing more and nothing less than who i am in this exact moment. tomorrow will come either way so why worry. yesterday can not be replayed so why fret. today, right now, is all that counts so i will make the best of what i have.

th eless you have, the more you grow. think about that the next time you think the world is falling apart. change your prospective and maybe, just maybe, you'll save your humanity in the process.

inner peace. self-love. self-respect. thirst for knowledge. unwavering courage. these i wish for you. may your life be ever filled with these blessing and much more.

namaste.

fear is what you make of it.

"I've learned that fear limits you and your vision. It serves as blinders to what may be just a few steps down the road for you. The journey is valuable, but believing in your talents, your abilities, and your self-worth can empower you to walk down an even brighter path. Transforming fear into freedom - how great is that?" 

-Soledad O'Brien

welcome to 2015. 

i have never been happier to say goodbye to year as i was to say adios to 2014. true, 2014 taught me so much about myself that, i would not be able to move forward without all the experiences i lived through.

lets start at the beginning. 

Dan the man, the perfect one. i lost myself in his world. his charisma, his charm, his tal and slender body...his, well you know...all mesmerized me. i found myself in a social sphere that i only dreamed of entering. adults with reals careers, real hobbies, real relationships and i thought to myself "it's finally happening for me!" deep breath. life doesn't always work out that way. it had been 7 months since i first met him, and i lived in utter happiness but all good things must come to an end and this was no exception. in late october, i discovered i was pregnant. i couldn't understand why this had happened to me. my birth control was my religion and i was no where near ready for a child (i mean for christ sake...i barely eat myself!) and i had to tell Dan. well, not only did that conversation not end well but it quickly crashed and burned. 

$200,000 in debt, a gambling addiction and a slew of other "issues" were the first things out of his mouth. "i am not ready to have a baby" was all he could muster out without breaking down. my heart sank. not because i expected a different response but because i realized in that moment what we had been doing all along. we were both two lonely souls trying to drown our sorrows with distractions. we happened to be the distractions. devastating. now, for the real problem. my preganacy was ectopic and the possibility of emergency surgery was high. i lost it. yet, i left the doctor's office calm as a cucumber. i could not allow Dan to see me in that state. for his own sake. mentally, he could not handle the gravity of the situation and as always, i, could and had to bare the burden for the both of us. now, i understand that each of us cope in different manners but let's get one thing straight: what he did was fucked up. after learning about the complications, abortion was the only option. I could not put my life at risk for a child that would be raised without a family. i was given the abortion pills since surgery was not necessary (thank the universe) and sent home with instructions and the knowledge that i needed someone to be there. Dan drove me home and the process began. an hour into it, he got up and went to lunch with his friend. I began to bled profusely when i heard the doorbell ring. in excruciating pain, i began to make my way towards the door. the fedex guy rang the wrong doorbell. i slowly made my way back to my bed only to find to horror that my bed had been covered in blood. i took my sheets off and washed them by hand in my bathroom sink. as i stood there, scrubbing the shit out of my sheets, i could feel the lump in my throat get bigger. my eyes swelled up with tears and the flood gates were opened. 

lonely, afraid, lost, hurt, angry, sad, relived, and numb. i laid in my bed and an hour later Dan shows up. he stays for 20 mins and heads back down to SD reminding me that we will be taking a "break" from one another. god, 30 year olds are no different than 21 year olds. a whole lot of boys. it was the best decision though, i felt that time away from him would allow me to reflect on my life in a positive manner. that however, quickly dissipated when another road block appeared in front of me.

the night after thanksgiving, I found B at my doorstep. he came to celebrate thanksgiving and demonstrate his support as my best friend. as a gay 21 year old and my house located 10 mins away from WeHo, it was no surprise that the night quickly turned into a B show. i went out with him (not entirely pleased with my decision) in the hopes that perhaps appeasing B would take my mind off of my issues. what began as an uneventful night soon turned into a real life horror story. drinks were given to me, people were introduced and soon i found myself in this fog. i felt sick to my stomach and i the lights began to bleed into one another. i rushed to the restroom, asking B to accompany me. the room goes dark. i awake on the phone with my mom, crying hysterically, pleading the man to let me out of the car. i can see i'm a few blocks from my apartment and as if by some miracle of God, he stops the car and tells me to get out. i have no idea where i am and i have no idea what has been done to me. I find the nearest landmark and orient myself and begin the walk home. i gasp as i sit up in my bed. "where's B?" the thought pushes its way into my head as if its of absolute importance. i begin to pace up and down my apartment. Dee ( my roommate) informs me that she found me in the shower with all my clothes on crying. she looked genuinely concerned and i had this awful gut feeling that something horrible had happened to me. i rushed to the hospital. i sat there as i explained what happened. "maybe you were drunk and dont remember what happened" i requested a rape kit and a toxicology report. i had been given the date rape drug. is this what our country has come to? minimizing the painful experiences of rape? i sat there in despair. hurt that my best friend had abandoned me in the middle of WeHo without regards to my well-being. B showed up at my house around 3pm that afternoon. in our conversation all i could gain from him was "i thought you left me there. ive been left at clubs before" now, be that as it may, i have NEVER left anyone (man or woman) anywhere. i am the first person to check if everyone is together and safe. common sense. no. not everyone has common sense. 

the next few weeks were a haze. lost in the numbness that allowed me to cope with my ordeal. but, life was not finished handing me my cards. i worked at a medical cannabis dispensary since August and i loved my job. it was a way of educating patients as to their options in terms of cannabis. i flourished and soon realized that it was a passion of mine. i worked 5 days a week and on a friday morning, M (the other budtender) asked if i could switch my friday for saturday. i didn't have set plans but i said no without hesitation. call it intuition or luck but what happened that saturday could only be described as traumatic. the dispensary had been robbed at gunpoint. M had been dragged, beaten and used as a negotiation weapon to take what the wanted. our security guard failed to do his duty and when given the chance, took off running, leaving M inside with the thieves.  my boss shows me the entire video and then proceeds to leave, having me finish my shift. devastating. i went home not really understanding what had just taken place. 

When I informed my friends and roommates of what had happened, some of my friends gave the response i thought was appropriate while my roommate Mike decides to say "don't let this deter you from working at a dispensary. every place gets robbed. now, just let them know that i'm down to work there." what? in what world is that the correct response to give someone in shock?

through it all, i wanted to talk to my sister Candie. i wanted her to give meadvice that only an older sister could give. alas, she too lost her ways in 2014. addicted to glass, psychotic tendency from years of abuse by her husband and an addiction to sex all destroyed mys sister from the inside out. no longer could she talk to me because in her mind i had done something unforgivable to her. but the reality spoke to her paranoia and inability to have good judgement. 

i sat in front of my therapist, explaining what took place over the break and saying it aloud was mind blowing. she told me that a re-evaluation of my relationships could not be postponed any longer. 

friends? i do not understand the meaning of the word. friends for me have always been relationships where i invest way too much and my profits are none. sure, some friends have learned over the years to treat me decent, kind, loving even, but some just never figured it out. the difference is that this year, i am finished. i will no longer be giving 100% in relationships. now, i'm down to 50%. if people want to create meaningful and longlasting relationships with me then they will have to put forth an effort equal to mine. otherwise...hit the road jack and don't come back. 

welcome to 2015. 

on the verge of nervous breakdown. 

lonely beyond measure.

nothing but a low ember underneath a thick layer of ash.

welcome to 2015.

like the phoenix, i will rise out of these ashes and ignite the fire that fuels my passions. i will not give up. my karma circle has been completed and now its time to venture into a new direction in life. 

welcome to 2015.

hello seattle, goodbye LA. this time...it may be for good.

   

The American Dream.

“If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery--isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is.”
-Charles Bukowski

The heat has become almost unbearable for some, as for me, i rather enjoy the heat. it takes me back to a time where life seemed set in stone. a time when i thought i knew all the answers to the universe. yet, as the hot winds intensify, i can't help but to smile. nothing lasts forever and sometimes that isn't such a bad thing. 

for the past two months, i have been a very strange state. i love myself with such zealous ferociousness that i could no longer stand being taken for granted. i began to do things for myself in every possible sense of the phrase and by god did i go far. i suppose my life tooka drastic turn the night i met a man. now, of course you'll say "oh boy! how many men have changed her life!" true, i do seem to place such grandiose significance on the men that come into my life but he isn't the average man. i accompanied my sister Candie to The Huntley. while at the bar on the top floor, we looked upon the cold, dark, and beautiful city of Santa Monica. of course, the view we each saw was completely different. as we sat there, surrounded by the voices of drunken strangers a man came up to us. J oozed charisma. his smile alone captivated the gaze and once he lured you in, it was very difficult to come out alive. however, he did not catch my eye. although he came up to me and introduced himself, he didn't fit my type. that's when i noticed him. taking a seat next to J was D. now, quite in his demeanor, once he got to talking his personality caught my attention. all over the place, focused, kind, ambitious, loyal, and handsome...D was quite a catch. but, alas, he seemed oblivious to my existence what with my sister being there (a girl can only dream of being half as pretty as she is). the night was young and so were we and thus began the night that i would remember forever.

drinks after drinks, we talked, laughed and by closing time we were whisked away to J's new home in Santa Monica. a beautiful little house with a gorgeous backyard, my sister and i were delighted that they were so fun to be around. now, i know what you'll say "how could you be so careless!" or "of course you guys fucked!" on the contrary, it was a very calm night. once we arrived at J's house, drinks were poured and each of us found a quite spot to talk. D led me on a tour of the house and we discussed almost everything. where he went to school, what he did for work, what i wanted to do in life, the relationships i had in the past and how i wanted to change it badly, and it was all very natural. he was a complete stranger and yet he was as attentive as any one of my closest friends. maybe this guy isn't just trying to fuck me. by the time i realized it, the clock read 6am and all chances of scoring were out the window. they put us in a cab and we went home. the next day all i could think about was how spectacular that night had been. D had my number but i did not expect a call.

several days later, things with T seemed tedious. i no longer wanted to argue nor did i care to make an effort. i had abandoned ship and T didn't even know it.then D texted me. my heart skipped a beat. we spoke about ordinary things and nothing more than friends. however, every time he texted me i couldn't help but smile. what was this feeling? i didn't like hi per say or did i? i left on a cruise with Candie and her friend, only to return a changed person.

we left to ensenada, mexico and life will never be the same. i have never been the kind of girl to think that i could be pretty in any fashion. i thought perhaps some guys may find me attractive but many? never in my wildest dreams. while on that cruise the amount of men who offered me drinks, wanted to dance with me or hell wanted to fuck me was enormous. men who not only had money but education and a knowledge that was larger than mine. now that's what i had wanted in life. men with ambition, men who knew what they wanted and weren't afraid to get it (even if that included me). while drinking at Papas and Beer, an older gentleman asked if we would like to sit with them. now, for me this was nothing more than old school. a gentleman asks for a lady to sit him him, to join him at his table. i leapt at the opportunity. we didn't have to pay for anything and i had a blast. as the hours passed, we came up on conversation that explained why he chose to invite us. Candie's friend is a gorgous woman. with a butt that will make women envious and an hourglass figure that's too die for. when we were invited, i immediately thought that he was interested in her. so i enjoyed the perks of being her friend. as the conversation unfolded, i came to know that he had been interested in me the whole time. dumbfounded, i gasp when the words left his lips "me? are you sure?" he laughed. "but of course you! you give off the air of innocence and yet your eyes are tantalizing. as though you are no innocent girl, but a woman in every sense of the word." i came back home with a completely different set of eyes. for the first time, i understood the extent of my magnetism. 

i broke up with T after i came back home. i couldn't stay any more. my love for him had slowly withered and soon would be extinguished. a wave of relief crashed over me once T left. at that moment i knew i had done the right thing. i would live for me and no one else. i would never again change to fit someone's "idea" of a perfect woman and i would never again love someone more than i loved myself. because i was flawless. 

that weekend i went down to San Diego with my cousin. in the hopes of escaping the city and clearing my head. while there, i took my first gamble and texted D. i told him i would be there that weekend and he immediately offered to take me out. why the hell not. the weekend couldn't have been any more spectacular. sure we did the bar scene (hel he treated my cousin and our friend to drinks all night) but he also took me to other places. he took me to dinner, the zoo, to his house (i met his sister and her husband and theyre baby). we hit it off ina way that's very strange for me. i have never met a stranger that seems so wonderful and full of life. he was flawed just like me and did not patronize me for being older. we had such a great time that he decided to come up to LA the following weekend just to see me. 

my weekend in LA with him was jaw dropping. we stayed at the Omni in little tokyo (how could i not be gawking) and he took me to a clipper game at the Staples Center. he introduced me to some of his friends and took me to some many different places in LA that i didn't even know existed. we also discovered that when it comes to the bedroom, nothing is off limits. passion in all the right places, the weekend went by in a flash and when he left all i could do was think "god damn, life is so good!" we saw each other for mother's day and have plans for memorial day weekend. am i getting ahead of myself? perhaps. does he even like me? maybe not. but for the first time, i really don't care. i am having the time of my life, experiencing life with an older man and its fabulous. the things he wants to do are so different from what i'm accustomed to that there is never a dull moment.

D was the light at the end of the tunnel, where i knew things would get better if only i held on to hope. hope that one day i would fill the void inside me. 

to everyone i have hurt in the past, i am truly sorry. i am no longer the frightened, fearful, love longing girl i used to be. i am woman hear me roar. i am strong, beautiful, charming, vicious, erotic, intelligent, cruel, loving and dorky. a balance of ying and yang that i work on everyday to maintain. i no longer fear what people think of me, i am what i am and nothing else. i will do what i want, say what i want, feel what i what because only i live my life. to T, i ask for forgiveness and i say that i have forgiven you. may you find happiness in everything you do.

i am finally ready to really honestly do things. take leaps of faith, do extraordinary things and find my own american dream.

knowledge isnt always power

"(Do I wanna know?)Too busy being yours to fall(Sad to see you go)Ever thought of calling darling?(Do I wanna know?)Do you want me crawling back to you?"-Arctic Monkeys, Do I Wanna Know

i sat there, silently searching through all the memories in my mind, yearning for a sign. i felt the words sink into my heart, they sank like rocks and flooded my heart with the roaring waters of heartache. 

did i want to know the truth? of course. 

did i really want to know the truth? maybe not.

i do not claim to be a saint, on the contrary, i am the first to admit that my past isn't blemish free. however, i never lied about how i felt with T. i loved him with a love that burned so passionately that it consumed me inside and out. i became a slave to his every whim, craving him like a drug. it was a toxic love at first, i allowed it to eat my soul in one gulp. alas, when he broke my heart the first time something broke. i could never quite put my finger on it, but something did not add up. i felt empty...as though a part of me had died in a far away country surrounded by strange faces. when we started our relationship back up again, i thought that this would be it. he finally said he was mine.

towards the end of last year, i experienced a crippling battle with depression. i saw myself falling off the bridge of sanity every night and i couldn't stop my train from moving. after three years if being placed on the back burner, i decided it was my turn to move on. i started seeing C and although there was passion...love did not exist. i made the choice that i would take love over luxury, over decency, over myself. all i wanted was his love. 

i sat there silently waiting to hear the whole story. what did he have to say? "it was just sex between us." "it was during a time when we would fight often and i didn't think our relationship would work." do you know what i felt? i felt like taking a baseball bat to his head. imagining that made me feel a tad bit better. i looked at him, my eyes filling with tears, and replied "was it worth it?"

i am no longer 15 and he is not D, yet, the pain feels nostalgic. i have felt this pain before but not with this intensity. more than heartbreak i feel anger. i want him to suffer to his very last breath. and then i am reminded by the tiniest of voices inside my head that i am still very much in love with him. to think, i waited for him to change his mind for so long. i waited for him to be with me and the moment i move on that bastard makes me feel bad. tells me how i have hurt him and how he knows much more than i think. 

do you think i'm scared? no.

do you really want to know? i don't think so bitch.

yes, i did my part in hurting our relationship but it wasn't until i had had enough. T did it while i was still very much in love with him. he did it during a time when no one else mattered, when i lost all dignity and self respect, when i needed my fix of him and nothing more, he did it in a time where he should have just let me go.

and now we find ourselves here, three years later and we are no longer the same people. we do not think the same nor do we feel the same. now the truth has surfaced and nothing lies in the unknown. what shall we do? shall we stay here pretending that nothing happened? pretending that things will continue on without a hitch? come on come on come on. lets be realistic here for once. things will never be the same. trust will not mend itself, and i do not know whether or not i want to stick around to mend it back up.

i sit here typing these words, searching for a memory that will help me in this choice. i sit here, looking through all the files in my mind and i cannot find a single god damn thing. all i am left with are the memories of years gone by, of girls i used to be and of dreams of the woman i want to become. i am at a point where i love myself a little more everyday and that has made a world of difference.

so T, if you ever read this, just remember that i used to love you like i loved no other. you didn't break my heart this time, you simply made me stronger. i don't know if i want to stay with you forever...for the first time in three years i want to live...with or without you.

change is hard

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."                                                                     -Anatole France

change. in one word, i can describe what this year has brought upon me. i can still remember when the sun shone brightly in my direction, when the world seemed so vast and i knew everything there was to know. i sit on my bed, typing this blog, and i realize that i knew absolutely nothing. 

for three years, i suffered quietly and alone, as the relationship between T and i only worsened. what did he expect from me? i couldn't keep living separate lives, i couldn't keep bringing myself down, i finally realized that i was more than good enough. 

change.

such a small word, and yet, this past month could not have fit that word more perfectly. C and i reconnected in november but did not start really hanging out until december. it was magical from the beginning. he would open my car door, he would take me to places that i only imagined visiting, and he picked up the bill without hesitation. we had mre in common than i thought and when i met his friends the connection between us only grew stronger. a firey passion took a hold of my soul, and for the first time in a long time i finally felt loved. 

change.

T and i were two completely different people. as we reached the culmination of years of hurt and heart break, i took a firm stance that i wanted out. i could no longer allow myself to enter a new year in the same shit mess. however, something unexpected occurred. T looked me straight in the eye and promised that no matter how long it would take, he would prove that this time things would be different. he finally knew what he wanted, and what he wanted was me. dumbfound and speechless, i kicked him out and sat on my bed unsure of the future. 

change.

C treated me unlike any other man i have met. overflowing with passion, i was drawn to his persona on a spiritual level and i found it extremely difficult to escape. could it be that T and i really were not meant to be? could it be that in the end all you can do is give it your best try? i looked at C and envisioned the life i always wanted. even with the picture perfect man, i did not feel complete. 

change.

T wounded me deeply and i sank into a darkness that for a long time i did not know whether or not i would rise from. i did not want to face the truth of what T had done to me. i had stopped loving myself, i had forgotten that honesty does not bring about judgement, i had assumed that T would always remain static, i had lost all my trust in him and that is what hurt the most. T and began having very honest conversations and for the first time in thre years, i felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. the person who sat in front of me was not the person i had created in my mind. T exuded with passion, he listened without judging and understood the lifestyle that i yearned to have. T no longer seemed uncertain but instead possessed a confidence that filled my heart with a small glimmer of hope. 

change.

as the month went by, i found myself faced with a choice. i could give T a second chance or i could test my luck and enter a real grown up relationship. i sat in the darkness, eased my mind and thought for a while. maybe i was getting ahead of myself, maybe i was worrying too much about the future, or maybe, i had truly lost myself and wanted someone to guide me in the right direction. but what is the "right" direction? how does anyone know what will work out in the end? the truth is, the future is unwritten. i am a firm believer in fate, fate brought T and i together, fate brought C and i together but i had the power to write my future. 

change.

new years day came and went. as the clock struck midnight, i looked to my left and saw him standing there. at that moment, i knew what i wanted. i wanted to be loved with the same intensity that i loved, i wanted to be touched as though i had never been touched before, i wanted to be worship and hated all at the same time, i wanted to be adored and put in my place, i wanted to grow old and build a tribe with that man. as the new year rolled in, i locked eyes with him and instantly knew my answer.

change.

Thomas and i were soul mates. i knew the moment i first saw him in my third grade classroom that one day i would marry him. as i grew older, i tried to convince myself that fairy tales didn't happen in real life. then he found me. after all those years, seeing him in the flesh again i knew i wanted to marry him. three years passed by and we have been through hell and back and as the clock struck 12. i knew i wanted to be with him and only him. he did not change because i forced him, he changed because he wanted me. all i ever wanted was for him to want me. 

hope.

as a new year begins, i can only say that i am truly sorry for the pain i caused others over the past three years. i have had my share of grotesque and cruelness and have strung along one to many men in my attempt to drown out my pain. i am deeply sorry for any pain i caused you. for those who left my side, i have finally let go of the heart ache and wish you nothing but the best. and for C, i could have fallen in love with you very easily. you met me in a very difficult time in my life and for that i am sorry. you were a beacon in a time where i was surrounded in darkness and if you had not came into my life then perhaps T would never have changed, and perhaps i would not be this happy. 

2014 brings forth new beginnings, Thomas and i will work at our relationship everyday. we will never forget the struggles we had to overcome to get to this point and we will never let the small stuff stress us out. here's to a great year, here's to Thomas and I, heres to our future, may we write whatever the hell we want and never apologize for being this happy.

because soul mates exist and one day when you least expect it, love will come knocking on your door.