knowledge isnt always power

"(Do I wanna know?)Too busy being yours to fall(Sad to see you go)Ever thought of calling darling?(Do I wanna know?)Do you want me crawling back to you?"-Arctic Monkeys, Do I Wanna Know

i sat there, silently searching through all the memories in my mind, yearning for a sign. i felt the words sink into my heart, they sank like rocks and flooded my heart with the roaring waters of heartache. 

did i want to know the truth? of course. 

did i really want to know the truth? maybe not.

i do not claim to be a saint, on the contrary, i am the first to admit that my past isn't blemish free. however, i never lied about how i felt with T. i loved him with a love that burned so passionately that it consumed me inside and out. i became a slave to his every whim, craving him like a drug. it was a toxic love at first, i allowed it to eat my soul in one gulp. alas, when he broke my heart the first time something broke. i could never quite put my finger on it, but something did not add up. i felt empty...as though a part of me had died in a far away country surrounded by strange faces. when we started our relationship back up again, i thought that this would be it. he finally said he was mine.

towards the end of last year, i experienced a crippling battle with depression. i saw myself falling off the bridge of sanity every night and i couldn't stop my train from moving. after three years if being placed on the back burner, i decided it was my turn to move on. i started seeing C and although there was passion...love did not exist. i made the choice that i would take love over luxury, over decency, over myself. all i wanted was his love. 

i sat there silently waiting to hear the whole story. what did he have to say? "it was just sex between us." "it was during a time when we would fight often and i didn't think our relationship would work." do you know what i felt? i felt like taking a baseball bat to his head. imagining that made me feel a tad bit better. i looked at him, my eyes filling with tears, and replied "was it worth it?"

i am no longer 15 and he is not D, yet, the pain feels nostalgic. i have felt this pain before but not with this intensity. more than heartbreak i feel anger. i want him to suffer to his very last breath. and then i am reminded by the tiniest of voices inside my head that i am still very much in love with him. to think, i waited for him to change his mind for so long. i waited for him to be with me and the moment i move on that bastard makes me feel bad. tells me how i have hurt him and how he knows much more than i think. 

do you think i'm scared? no.

do you really want to know? i don't think so bitch.

yes, i did my part in hurting our relationship but it wasn't until i had had enough. T did it while i was still very much in love with him. he did it during a time when no one else mattered, when i lost all dignity and self respect, when i needed my fix of him and nothing more, he did it in a time where he should have just let me go.

and now we find ourselves here, three years later and we are no longer the same people. we do not think the same nor do we feel the same. now the truth has surfaced and nothing lies in the unknown. what shall we do? shall we stay here pretending that nothing happened? pretending that things will continue on without a hitch? come on come on come on. lets be realistic here for once. things will never be the same. trust will not mend itself, and i do not know whether or not i want to stick around to mend it back up.

i sit here typing these words, searching for a memory that will help me in this choice. i sit here, looking through all the files in my mind and i cannot find a single god damn thing. all i am left with are the memories of years gone by, of girls i used to be and of dreams of the woman i want to become. i am at a point where i love myself a little more everyday and that has made a world of difference.

so T, if you ever read this, just remember that i used to love you like i loved no other. you didn't break my heart this time, you simply made me stronger. i don't know if i want to stay with you forever...for the first time in three years i want to live...with or without you.