When all you do is change your clothes and call that versatile.
You got so many colours make a blind man so confused.
Then why can’t I keep up when you’re the only thing I lose"
-"Don't Feel Like Dancing" Scissor Sisters
when you think of renewal what comes to mind? spring time, rain storms, a sunrise? when i think of renewal i think of the end of something and the rebirth of something else. autumn has definitely personified that for me. though summer has brought along its joys and sorrows, no other season has truly transformed me the way autumn has.
the weather grew gloomy, the days grew longer and my perspective on life evolved. i cannot remember the last time i felt this zealous about the future. what does the future hold for me? well, to answer that you'll have to journey back with me...it's September and it's my 21st birthday. all summer long i had felt really shitty about my life. no friends, self conscious about my weight, stuck between educational paths, just the same old usual crap. i awoke that morning feeling slightly different. i could not exactly place my metaphorical finger on it but something was obviously different. as predicted, T would not be joining me on my birthday since he had work and "other plans." normally, i would have thrown a tantrum about how selfish T was acting and how inconsiderate he was to my feelings. however, that day i did none of that. i wore the sexiest black dress i could find, dolled myself up and said "what the heck!" i hit the town with my sisters and of course the only man who has stuck by me thru it all B (who had surprised me by driving down from santa barbara). we had a fabulous dinner in little tokyo and what i realized that night after coming home from an amazing evening was that i did not need anyone else but me. i alone had the power to shape my destiny.
flash forward to october. i had gone on an intense workout regiment, started eating healthy and what do you know, my confidence shot through the god damn roof (that reminds me...i gotta repair that hole). i accompanied my sister and her friends to some birthday bash some guy was having at a club in long beach. the evening started out very disappointing. i spent all my money paying for my sister's and my own entrance (which had not been stipulated before hand) and i had no money left for a drink. angry, i took to the dancefloor and just let loose. as my sister and i are dancing, a young man approaches us and asks if we would like to join them at their table. desperate for a drink, my sister rushes and i barely had any time to think of what that even entailed. now, here's where my life changed completely. the group of men at the table was eclectic ranging in a variety of ages and personalities. then, he caught my eye. cool and collected, he stood up as we made our entrance. i could not keep my eyes off of him, there was something mysterious about the way he carried himself that enticed me every time i looked his way. this younger guy with a charismatic attitude won me over and so we began to explore the inner workings of what made us people. where we went to school, what we did for a living, and what we liked to do on our spare time. all the while, i kept looking for that white button up shirt and he sat in front of me talking to one of my sister's friends. "damn," i thought. maybe he's just not into me. so, i kept talking and laughing and drinking.
i then opted to powder my nose and upon returning from the restroom i noticed he sat in the seat right next to mine. "here we go," i thought to myself. and so it begun.
we started to make small talk and i finally got a name to match the face, A. ten years my senior, A was everything i had been searching for in a man. successful, interesting, charismatic, fun, and knows exactly what he wants. the night progressed and so did our attraction for one another and soon we were all headed out for an after party. my sky high guess wedges could not support my inebriated elf and so A offered to carry me the entire way to the apartment where the after party would take place. grandiose gesture? maybe not but nevertheless entertaining. the after party could not have been more delightful. these people were so fascinating, it was almost like i had been asleep and just then opened my eyes to the world in front of me. intelligent, driven, alluring people, i could not help but let myself drown in the moment.
as for what happened next between A and me...well some things must be left to the imagination. i left that next morning invigorated and with a new number in my contacts. welcome back to the present, it's november and that zealous atmosphere has not forsaken me yet. my entire outlook non life has been expanded. my horizons no longer looks so overwhelming and expansive. my horizons are straight ahead and completely within my grasp. A and i text here and there but more than anything it was the excitement and the new breath of air that he gave me that still resonates loudly in my soul. i am again ambitious, determined, exuberant about what the next five years has in store for me and it was all thanks to that one cold night in october. not many people can say that a one night stand changed their lives for the better (hell, i do not know anyone who has ever said that) but mine certainly did. i deserve so much more, i want so much more, and i will one day have everything that i want. i live in the city of lost angels and encounters with them are limitless.
so what does the future have in store for me? happiness, wealth, companionship, success, fame, identity, self worth, and most importantly it's not set in stone and i can change it whenever the fuck i want.
i am who i am and in los angeles, baby, sometimes that's more than enough.
