dawn.

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
-"Breathe," Anna Nalick


it's a sickening feeling. i can't eat, i can't sleep, i can't write. all i do is think. think about how i let down my guard and let him in. all i want to do is be numb but it seems that all i can do is fucking think. 


"it's the best thing...for the both of us."


i wanted a choice, i wanted a chance to prove that when the going got tough...i could make it work. alas, relationships are not one sided and if they are well, then they come to an end. it's a sickening feeling, to know we were perfect for each other and i was the only one who thought that. i can't make someone try if they don't want too, all i can do is say goodbye and make my peace with the situation. 


peace.


i can't find comfort in the things i love. writing? hell, i can't even conjure a sentence without it sounding ridiculous. all i have to show for this love is this: pieces of a heart i never knew existed. ultimately that's what i am the most thankful for. he showed me a girl i thought had died many, many years ago. he showed me a girl whose passions did not burn out but merely grew faint. he showed me a girl capable of really, truly loving someone. he showed me the real me and i can never repay him for that. 


perplexedhippie.


i am what i am. a girl who was never meant to be tied down, who was never meant to stay in one place for too long, who was never meant to fall in love. love, it complicated things, it blurred my vision and ruined everything. still, i saw a rose colored world which captivated every single one of my senses...a dream world that i never wanted to wake from. I don't know who i am or what i want but i've finally realized that it's ok to be lost. no one knows what they want. all i can do is seize every opportunity life offers. i found love and i let it engulf my entire being and i have no regrets. though it may hurt today, perhaps in time, the pain will lessen and eventually even go away. time flies, i may not be alive next year or ten years from now so why waste a day wallowing in sadness. i am feeling what i need to feel and that is good enough. 


2am.


it's 2am back home and i am sitting writing this while thinking to myself "is this necessary?" yes. with happiness comes pain and unless you experience both life isn't worth it. i hit the crossroads of my life and i was pushed into a path. i thought i wanted a choice, i thought i wanted to make the decision for myself but as i walk along this path i realize it's exactly what i need. i need to be far away from home, i need to create myself, i need to learn to be alone. unless i go through life alone and happy with myself, how can i expect to make someone else happy? i need to look at the brighter side of things instead of hiding behind my "realism." i need to move on.


breathe.


the night was cold, the air was still, the world has gone dark and i lost all hope. i thought the sun brought me happiness but i forgot that a shooting star can only be seen at night. a shooting star that carries the weight of my ambitions without hesitation. 


thank you Thomas, i wish you the best in life and i know you will be an amazing doctor someday. as for me, i will be ok one day. i finally love myself. 


one day, when i least expect it, a man will find me in a local coffee shop. my cup of coffee will rest delicately next to my book while my hands move furiously to get my thoughts on paper. he will ask to sit at my table, i will look up, and fall in love again.
i hope that man is you Thomas, but if not...know that you have made me the perfect girl for my perfect man. 

a fork in the road.

I was feeling sad,
Can't help looking back
Highways flew by...
Run, run, run away
No sense of time
I'd like you to stay,
Want keep you inside
-"Runaway," Yeah Yeah Yeahs


as thanksgiving approaches i can't help but feel as though i should be grateful for all the things i posses in life that others do not have. for one thing, i am alive. i woke up this morning in a warm bed, in a safe apartment, in a vibrant city. i have food in my fridge, i have clothes on my back, shoes on my feet, and family who loves me. i am going to college, i have friends that keep me feeling alive, i have glasses that help me see the world. i have countless books and movies, i have countless cds, i have my hearing and my sight. i have a wonderful boyfriend and i have my sanity. all these things are only the tip of the iceberg of the countless things i am thankful for, yet something keeps eating away at me. 


am i where i need to be or have i settled?


maybe i'm suffering from a severe case of homesickness or maybe it's my gut that's telling me this can't be it...this can't be the place where i should be for the next three years. i like asu i do but did i settle for this school? my thoughts are consumed with second guessing myself. i tried talking to T about it but alas he has his own preconceptions about the subject that venting perhaps isn't meant for me. no matter how hard i try i find myself at this crossroads. 


did i make the right choice?


i don't know if i can ever come to terms with the decision i made. i miss my family, i miss my friends, i miss my city bubbling with life at all hours of the day and night. being here...i feel so out of place: i feel utterly and hopelessly alone. i cannot seem to "fit in" with the culture here, with this confusing vibe. i'm going home this weekend and for the first time i am grateful for that home. though for many years it seemed to be the root of many of my problems, today it is the only place in the world i where i yearn to be. i look out my window and see nothing familiar. familiarity is what i want, it's the comfort i seek and cannot find in this state. strangers pass me by all day without ever getting close enough to become familiar.


going back home.


i don't know what the future has in store for me, i don't know what tomorrow will bring, whether or not my plans will go accordingly but i do know that my priorities have change. i am not this fierce girl who can pack up and leave everything behind. no. i am a scared kid who wants to have mommy around. pathetic i know but it's the truth i have been trying to conceal. i want to be close to home and know that i have somewhere to come back to when my life breaks down. i want security, i want love, i want to be back in my room alone with everyone. 


thanksgiving is coming up and i'm grateful for many things, but i am most grateful for one thing: the ability to feel what i need to feel.


i may not have ended up where i wanted to but perhaps i ended up where i needed to be. this distance has made me grow up in a manner that i have never encountered...i am afraid to grow up...alone with no one.