thankful

You fit into me
like a hook into an eye

a fish hook
an open eye 

Margaret Atwood-You Fit Into Me

with the holidays fast approaching, i sat and began to think of everything i am thankful for. the air i breathe, the house i live in, the shoes on my feet, the clothes on my back and the obstacles i have had to over come. i am alive because of these problems.

it has been a year since T broke up with me and last night was the culmination of our problems. i could no longer remain silent and T could no longer be sweet. "i have never loved you the way you need to be loved," his heart told me. i laid in the dark, holding my breath, wishing for he would change his mind. the days go by and i lie awake at night yearning for his touch, craving his lips upon my lips but to no avail. he does not love me and i can do nothing more. i sat on the bed, hands shaking, tears streaming down my cheeks, expecting my heart to break into pieces once again. instead, something unexpected occured: my heart remained whole and my mind found peace.

i awoke the next morning and i did not feel need to talk to T. i went about my day without so much as a single glance at my phone. to my amazement, i encountered a sense of peace and closure. his words are no longer burned into my memory and his arms are no longer my safety haven. as i looked in the mirror, i did not see the sad girl who waited patiently for her prince to return home. when i looked into the mirror, i saw the girl i thought had been lost forever. when i looked into that mirror, i saw the cold, closed and cynical girl from years ago...i saw myself again.

as i sit here thinking of all the things i am thankful for, i must say that i am most thankful for T. he showed me a world filled with beauty and proved that i too could bring my walls down. however, i am also thankful that he left me open and exposed, only then had i been able to experience heartache and passion.

i loved you then, i love you now, and i will always love you. but the girl you met 11 years ago will never return. 

it feels good to be back.