attention whore.

D has gotten to the point where i can not stand him. it's never enough for him, ever. although try as hard as i may, he never seems to understand that my life is different. my mother's undeserved comments about how i'm an idiot for having a boyfriend and D's mom harsh words of reality that came crashing down upon me like a ten-foot wave, "you're the biggest bitch to my son." what do you say...what can you say to such an accusation?

i was left speechless at the cafe unable to hold a grip on what had just been told to me. you would think that by now a man could stand his ground but unfortunately i think i'm looking for something else. i'm looking for someone that can defend themselves without the aid of their parents. i'm looking for a mature person who won't make me feel stupid and insecure. i'm looking for a completely different experince.

i can't seem to figure if what i want is to end all contact or give eachother time apart but i am sure of one thing: things can't go on like this. either i woman up and take the insults and comments and stay with D or i run out of his life and enjoy whatever is left of my broken life. whatever it may be i do hope D finds happiness and i hope that one day he too will grow up.

is it wrong to want to leave all the negativity behind? to want to leave all of this emotional distress behind? no. i dont think it's wrong but it is the most challenging obsticle i've come face to face with.

fortune cookie.

"the flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody finds the
one
but keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
flesh searches
for more than
flesh.

there's no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.

nobody ever finds
the one.

the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill

nothing else
fills."


Alone With Everybody
-Charles Bukowski




my heart begins to beat faster. my lungs forget to breathe. butterflies go wild in my stomach. i see him standing by a tree. the sun shine through and i see his face. it's not him, but someone else. i wake up gasping for air.

i have to say my favorite part of eating at panda is eating the fortune cookies while reading the fortunes out loud. D and i had some not too long ago but this wasn't just any fortune. no, this was something different. "you will find comfort in a new relationship." i've spent weeks trying to figure out just what that means. i'm not the type to take cookies seriously but this somehow manage to eat at me. am i unhappy? no. do i have feelings for someone else? not exactly. one thing is clear: i'm thinking. i love D and there is no question about that but is my love for D stronger than my envy? horrible i know, but i do. i hate how he gets away with everything, how he gets the grade because he's teacher pet, how he's loved by everyone. this little, insignificant cookie has brought up a whirlwind of questions. my confusion about J and the encounter with O has stirred something within that is unexplainable.

everything comes to an end; but sometimes you don't want to know that.