full circle.

some people never go crazy.
me, sometimes I'll lie down behind the couch
for 3 or 4 days.
they'll find me there.
it's Cherub, they'll say, and
they pour wine down my throat
rub my chest
sprinkle me with oils.
then, I'll rise with a roar,
rant, rage -
curse them and the universe
as I send them scattering over the
lawn.
I'll feel much better,
sit down to toast and eggs,
hum a little tune,
suddenly become as lovable as a
pink
overfed whale.
some people never go crazy.
what truly horrible lives
they must lead.
-"Some People" by Charles Bukowski

i'm not one to believe in fate, however; i do feel compelled to listen to the argument that there is a bit of "magic" (or some nonsense) in the air. my life could not have turned out this way on pure chance.

the last weeks of high school were both exciting and a constant headache. D would not take the hint that i had moved forward (without him) and the days till graduation seemed to be whizzing passed me at the speed of light. yet, my heart remained stuck in the middle. i couldn't forget how that boy threw my heart right back at me and left it beating slowly. i couldn't erase how stupid i felt for allowing myself to acknowledge my feelings for him, and worst of all i couldn't bring myself to regret any of it.

i should have been more "sympathetic" towards D but somewhere deep down inside, all the disdain i had harbored for him erupted. a slow moving but deadly lava flow made it's way towards D and he couldn't escape it. maybe i'm a bad person or maybe i made a mistake or perhaps i didn't know how to handle the situation as an adult. whatever the case may be i am sorry that my dirty laundry was thrown into the open and that all my friends were placed into quick sand.

i'll take you back to a week and a half before prom. i'm sitting in Glasser's class retelling the events that took place in that boy's car. Glasser sat and listened and shared some wisdom..."he's a dumbass." suddenly like an egg hitting a brick wall it hit Glasser, "why don't you take Victor Duran to prom!?"
I had met Victor 2 years ago, he had known D since middle school. I didn't talk to him much except at track meets since we both ran the same events. i always thought he was good looking (ok he's extremely hot) but i never saw him in that light. yet, here we were close friends as my senior year came to an end. we cheered each other on at meets, i attempted to take photos with his camera, and when i saw that boy hugging another girl V was there to hold me while i cried. but take him to prom? i didn't want him to think i was weird or anything so i simply said to Glasser, "alright if you tell him something i can't stop you but i'm not saying anything."

i'll take you back a week before prom. i'm sitting in Glasser's class when all of a sudden he rushes out to talk to V. my heart stops and my faces flushes. i hate Glasser right about now. the day goes on and i don't know exactly what happened in that hall way. i decide to take a risk and ask V what Glasser said to him. V cooly tells me that Glasser had said he was stupid for not asking me to prom. holy crap. then he says that he told Glasser that he thought D and i were still dating and it would be weird. oh my god. Glasser exclaimed that no D and i were NOT dating. fuck my life. i attempt to tell V (without falling dead from embarrassment) that i didn't ask him to prom because i didn't want him to think i was weird. V replied, "why would i think you were weird? it'd be fun to go to prom with you." and so i went to prom with my good friend.

i'll take you back to prom night. V and i are dancing . we've been dancing for hours. i'm having an amazing time. something doesn't feel right, though not in a bad way. V had been inching his way closer and closer to me while dancing. i hadn't thought much about it until he was a few centimeters away from my lips. in the midst of a sea of familiar faces, beautiful dresses, and the humming of the music we kissed. V, the boy who was my close friend had just crossed the friendship line...and i loved it. it's safe to say that everyone saw though not many knew it was me (ahh the wonders of makeup and a black dress).

i'll take you back to the week after prom. i'm not sure how to characterize what exactly happened between V and i. was it just a prom thing? would it turn into something more? i let go of all my inhibitions and made it official: whatever it turned out to be, i'd enjoy the ride. of course there are always villians to a disney story. D found out that i went to prom with V and that we kissed. i have never been more humiliated in my life. he called me a whore, slut, bitch, tramp (just to name a few) and said i was the scum of the earth. i didn't care. i told him that i was sorry he felt that way but things happen and i couldn't stop the flow of the night. besides, i didn't want to get back with him. he threw a furious tantrum and i hung up the phone. for the first time in 2 years i felt free.

V and D were friends. i was in the same triangle as before. i had a scarlet D on my chest and it was awful to contemplate that i would never get rid of it. but V wasn't like the other boy. V knew what he wanted...and what he wanted was me. he didn't care if D and him stopped being friends (they had grown apart anyways so V said) and for the first time i put myself before D.

it's the present day. i have to admitt that there must be some sort of "fate" in the universe. many months ago i had a fortune cookie tell me that i would "find comfort in a new relationship." i didn't think much of it at the time but how it all fell into place. V can only be described in one word: incredible. i can be myself (my true self) without inhibitions and without the feeling that i'll be judged. there was no awkward stage, we knew who the other one was (although they have been a few surprises). but most importantly it's a different stage in our lives.

graduation came and went in a flash. as i saw everyone i've known since 6th grade receive their diplomas i couldn't help but look to my right. there was V, sitting next to me in his cap and gown, looking to the future. he has been through as much heart ache as i have and yet he still had a sense of hope for tomorrow. life was full of exciting opportunities that he wanted to grasp. i looked up and tossed my cap into the air. it was all finally over.

i don't know what lies ahead, i don't know what i'm doing this weekend for that matter but what i do know is this: everything always comes full circle. if i learned anything in AP English it was that nothing new can be written if nothing before has happened to cause change. a new chapter has begun in my life but the old ones are still there. waiting for when the time comes to open them up and read how far i've gone.