dramarama.

"no one move and no one gets hurt.
if no one moves, then nothing gets worse.
i'm always looking back
'cause you're living in the past.
please pass the present to me now.
please pass the past over my doubt.
i don't think i'm ready to try
to live another brand new life, without you"
-Venice Is Sinking "Undecided"

i laugh whenever i hear people say, "i never changed! you did!"
how can someone state that with such assurance? people say that and i walk away laughing.
i find myself staring at the sky, and it's bitter sweet. winter came to show me the type of "friends" i had in my life. too bad i waited until winter.
i have an old friend who moved to florida. living a brand new life out there, she hardly speaks to me anymore. i call when i can and she returns the calls when she has time. when she came to visit last year, i received a phone call. she wanted to spend her time with me. she had family out here, she had other friends, she had a life yet she spent her time with me; her childhood best friend. i hadn't really thought about what that meant for her (or for me), and a week ago it struck me. phone calls and emails did not make our friendship last, the memories we had together made us friends.
too bad it didn't apply to all my "friends."
i have always had a rough time making friends. high school had been my chance to break out and do things i would never have done. i lost friends, made enemies, made brand new friends, and kept the old friends close to my heart. i had tried to be there friend that they could count on. i had been the listening ear, the shoulder they could cry on and the jokester that made them smile when hell broke lose. yet, i never expected them to reciprocate. i thought i had been a "good friend." sadly, it seems i changed far too much. 
too bad no one told me.
the days passed by and i grew bolder and bolder. some friends were hesitant as to what would come of my revolution. some friends embraced the new me as a "sign of better things to come." and one friend just couldn't accept it. i don't know what happened, i don't know how it got that way, i don't know what went through her mind, but i wasn't good enough for her.
too bad i didn't care about being "good enough."
accused! i had been sentenced to exile on the grounds of not caring about her. i sat there reading the screen and all i could think about were Shakespeare's silioquies. "woe is me!" immediately registered in my mind and all i could decipher was a fakeness to her pleas. maybe i am too judgemental, maybe i hadn't placed my self in her shoes, maybe i should have been more understanding, maybe she had a point, but maybe, just maybe i didn't give a damn. once, twice, too many times to count she had been at the center of a problem. coincidence? i'll give you that. just a folly of the universe? probably not. there was a reason to all this, i just didn't want to see it.
too bad i opened my eyes underwater.
i take long walks to clear my head. i don't know where i'm going but i know where i came from. i try and live my life the same way. i don't know where life will lead me but i do know where it took me. i see the past as a road sign for the future, as a film of the happiest times, and as a book with all my records. i may need to learn how to be a "good friend," i may need to learn to be "understanding," i may in fact need to be brain washed. there is no "rule book" for life, no directions on what to do after passing "GO!" so why must people have expectations of what the title of being a friend entails? shouldn't a friend just be the person they are, faults included. a person who having no blood relation to you is there through the thick and thin and who's attendance at a party doesn't give the title "friend."

parties are so overrated.
mix together a group of people, a cup of emotions, a liter of judgements, and a dash of expectations and presto! a homemade shit fest.
i lost a friend over a party. i lost a friend over a phone call that never got dialed. i lost two people whom i considered friends. i lost the person who was my accomplice, whom i confided in with everything, who had been nothing but laughter, who dealt with losing friends all the time, who used to  call me "motherly" in an affectionate  way, who kept secrets from me until it the last minute, who i trusted beyond a doubt, who i thought would be happy for my change, who at the end couldn't face the fact that everyone changes (for better or for worse), who cut our ties because we weren't "as close" anymore, who even after the insults i wish her all the happiness she didn't have with me, who is dear to my heart, who now only exists in memories that can never be erased, who is still loved by me, a person who i still consider a friend. i lost her and now we're strangers.
too bad life goes on and i'm still changing.