Take Deux.

"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"

-Charles Bukowski

clarity of mind. 

i never quite understood the meaning of that phrase. i figured it was some hippie mumbo jumbo that they preached in order for people to think they learned from life rather than going to college.

however, i find myself in an odd predicament. i am now a hippie. 

clarity of mind isn't just a phrase, it's a choice, its a lifestyle. i wake up each and every day facing a battle. not a physical one but a mental one, one where i cannot see my enemy and vanquish him in one swipe of my sword. no, my battle lies deep within the inner workings of my mind. it would have destroyed me had i not left.

that's right. i no longer reside in the prison that was Los Angeles. sure, it's gorgeous and definitely has its perks but, it wasn't in the cards for me to stay there too long. for years i have been trying to please everyone but the one person that truly matters: me. i went from relationship to relationship in the hopes of finding love, i floated in social circles in search of a "best friend," and i starved myself of my own ambitions to please the expectations of my mother. all for what? to lay in bed at night wondering of who the hell i am? i had to find myself, i had to leave in order to come home.

i went to the only place where my heart has found peace; seattle. i decided to take the train. you see, as the hopeless romantic that i am, i figured all the greats have traveled by train, they went in search of themselves and i too, yearned to be free. free of the negativity, free of the expectations, free of the sorrow, free of the toxic people. i arrived in this city and for the first time in my life, i feel peace. i have consumed myself in books, yoga, krav maga, and babysitting. i've out my patience to the test and have found that as a person...i'm pretty damn awesome. i can love even through all the pain, i can smile with the sadness and i am beginning to truly let go.

let go. what an odd concept. we are meant to experience and let people in and in the same fashion we are expected to let them go and release all the emotions that come attached. well, let's face it, i never did learn how to let go. it was sort of like my kryptonite. i couldn't bear to live with my pain and yet i wouldnt dare to live without it. seattle has been more than just a vacation, it's been my saving grace. i would have killed myself in LA, i would have pumped my body with pills and numbed myself in order to not feel anything at all. but, this...THIS IS MY SECOND CHANCE.

i can finally begin to love myself, to treat myself with kindness and respect, to reignite the passion i had for the things i loved, to live MY LIFE FOR ME. it's truly a blessing that i have come this far. that after everything that has occurred in my complex life, i have managed to succeed for you see...success can not be measured by tangible things but the happiness that one feels. that is true success and i have never been happier. sure, i'm single, in a different state, with no friends but i don't need any of those things. i am surrounded by my family, i have structure, i have love. i am experiencing myself in a brand new way and god damn it, i am relishing these moments. of course, there have been rough days, days where i thought i would lose myself but i take a step back and realize that i can do this. i can overcome it. i will be well again and this illness won't last forever.

as for D, i can say only one thing. i am utterly surprised. he seems like a different person. a little more responsible and a little more open. we text here and there and he was the first person to facetime me (because he called me) and boy did that feel great. however, i do remind myself that my journey does not revlve around him. that my decisions in life must be centered around my well being but isn't it crazy that the more i begin to plan my life...he never too far. 

what will i do upon my return to California? well for starters i won't be living in LA. to be honest, i have fallen head over heels for san diego. its strangely calming and it's the only other city that feels like home. i want to finsih school and pursue a career in speech therapy and work wiht children (unless i become a special education teacher for elementary school children). it's really quite astonishing how my mind finally feels free to do what i wanted to do and somehow i've been lying to myself. i am no party girl, i am no club scene girl, and i am certainly no promiscuous girl.  

who am i? 

passionate for learning and teaching, hungry for the written word, confident and articulate, strong willed and unwilling to bend more than i deem fit, unwavering in my faith that what is meant to be, will be, conscious of the feelings of others, humble in knowing that nothing lasts forever and compassionate towards those less fortunate than me, excited to be surrounded by intelligent, driven, outspoken people, and most important courageous in the face of the unknown. change can be difficult but for me it's a challenge i willing accept. for wihtout change, comes no growth and how can one truly live without growing just a wee bit taller? 

who am i? i can finally say that i am nothing more and nothing less than who i am in this exact moment. tomorrow will come either way so why worry. yesterday can not be replayed so why fret. today, right now, is all that counts so i will make the best of what i have.

th eless you have, the more you grow. think about that the next time you think the world is falling apart. change your prospective and maybe, just maybe, you'll save your humanity in the process.

inner peace. self-love. self-respect. thirst for knowledge. unwavering courage. these i wish for you. may your life be ever filled with these blessing and much more.

namaste.

fear is what you make of it.

"I've learned that fear limits you and your vision. It serves as blinders to what may be just a few steps down the road for you. The journey is valuable, but believing in your talents, your abilities, and your self-worth can empower you to walk down an even brighter path. Transforming fear into freedom - how great is that?" 

-Soledad O'Brien

welcome to 2015. 

i have never been happier to say goodbye to year as i was to say adios to 2014. true, 2014 taught me so much about myself that, i would not be able to move forward without all the experiences i lived through.

lets start at the beginning. 

Dan the man, the perfect one. i lost myself in his world. his charisma, his charm, his tal and slender body...his, well you know...all mesmerized me. i found myself in a social sphere that i only dreamed of entering. adults with reals careers, real hobbies, real relationships and i thought to myself "it's finally happening for me!" deep breath. life doesn't always work out that way. it had been 7 months since i first met him, and i lived in utter happiness but all good things must come to an end and this was no exception. in late october, i discovered i was pregnant. i couldn't understand why this had happened to me. my birth control was my religion and i was no where near ready for a child (i mean for christ sake...i barely eat myself!) and i had to tell Dan. well, not only did that conversation not end well but it quickly crashed and burned. 

$200,000 in debt, a gambling addiction and a slew of other "issues" were the first things out of his mouth. "i am not ready to have a baby" was all he could muster out without breaking down. my heart sank. not because i expected a different response but because i realized in that moment what we had been doing all along. we were both two lonely souls trying to drown our sorrows with distractions. we happened to be the distractions. devastating. now, for the real problem. my preganacy was ectopic and the possibility of emergency surgery was high. i lost it. yet, i left the doctor's office calm as a cucumber. i could not allow Dan to see me in that state. for his own sake. mentally, he could not handle the gravity of the situation and as always, i, could and had to bare the burden for the both of us. now, i understand that each of us cope in different manners but let's get one thing straight: what he did was fucked up. after learning about the complications, abortion was the only option. I could not put my life at risk for a child that would be raised without a family. i was given the abortion pills since surgery was not necessary (thank the universe) and sent home with instructions and the knowledge that i needed someone to be there. Dan drove me home and the process began. an hour into it, he got up and went to lunch with his friend. I began to bled profusely when i heard the doorbell ring. in excruciating pain, i began to make my way towards the door. the fedex guy rang the wrong doorbell. i slowly made my way back to my bed only to find to horror that my bed had been covered in blood. i took my sheets off and washed them by hand in my bathroom sink. as i stood there, scrubbing the shit out of my sheets, i could feel the lump in my throat get bigger. my eyes swelled up with tears and the flood gates were opened. 

lonely, afraid, lost, hurt, angry, sad, relived, and numb. i laid in my bed and an hour later Dan shows up. he stays for 20 mins and heads back down to SD reminding me that we will be taking a "break" from one another. god, 30 year olds are no different than 21 year olds. a whole lot of boys. it was the best decision though, i felt that time away from him would allow me to reflect on my life in a positive manner. that however, quickly dissipated when another road block appeared in front of me.

the night after thanksgiving, I found B at my doorstep. he came to celebrate thanksgiving and demonstrate his support as my best friend. as a gay 21 year old and my house located 10 mins away from WeHo, it was no surprise that the night quickly turned into a B show. i went out with him (not entirely pleased with my decision) in the hopes that perhaps appeasing B would take my mind off of my issues. what began as an uneventful night soon turned into a real life horror story. drinks were given to me, people were introduced and soon i found myself in this fog. i felt sick to my stomach and i the lights began to bleed into one another. i rushed to the restroom, asking B to accompany me. the room goes dark. i awake on the phone with my mom, crying hysterically, pleading the man to let me out of the car. i can see i'm a few blocks from my apartment and as if by some miracle of God, he stops the car and tells me to get out. i have no idea where i am and i have no idea what has been done to me. I find the nearest landmark and orient myself and begin the walk home. i gasp as i sit up in my bed. "where's B?" the thought pushes its way into my head as if its of absolute importance. i begin to pace up and down my apartment. Dee ( my roommate) informs me that she found me in the shower with all my clothes on crying. she looked genuinely concerned and i had this awful gut feeling that something horrible had happened to me. i rushed to the hospital. i sat there as i explained what happened. "maybe you were drunk and dont remember what happened" i requested a rape kit and a toxicology report. i had been given the date rape drug. is this what our country has come to? minimizing the painful experiences of rape? i sat there in despair. hurt that my best friend had abandoned me in the middle of WeHo without regards to my well-being. B showed up at my house around 3pm that afternoon. in our conversation all i could gain from him was "i thought you left me there. ive been left at clubs before" now, be that as it may, i have NEVER left anyone (man or woman) anywhere. i am the first person to check if everyone is together and safe. common sense. no. not everyone has common sense. 

the next few weeks were a haze. lost in the numbness that allowed me to cope with my ordeal. but, life was not finished handing me my cards. i worked at a medical cannabis dispensary since August and i loved my job. it was a way of educating patients as to their options in terms of cannabis. i flourished and soon realized that it was a passion of mine. i worked 5 days a week and on a friday morning, M (the other budtender) asked if i could switch my friday for saturday. i didn't have set plans but i said no without hesitation. call it intuition or luck but what happened that saturday could only be described as traumatic. the dispensary had been robbed at gunpoint. M had been dragged, beaten and used as a negotiation weapon to take what the wanted. our security guard failed to do his duty and when given the chance, took off running, leaving M inside with the thieves.  my boss shows me the entire video and then proceeds to leave, having me finish my shift. devastating. i went home not really understanding what had just taken place. 

When I informed my friends and roommates of what had happened, some of my friends gave the response i thought was appropriate while my roommate Mike decides to say "don't let this deter you from working at a dispensary. every place gets robbed. now, just let them know that i'm down to work there." what? in what world is that the correct response to give someone in shock?

through it all, i wanted to talk to my sister Candie. i wanted her to give meadvice that only an older sister could give. alas, she too lost her ways in 2014. addicted to glass, psychotic tendency from years of abuse by her husband and an addiction to sex all destroyed mys sister from the inside out. no longer could she talk to me because in her mind i had done something unforgivable to her. but the reality spoke to her paranoia and inability to have good judgement. 

i sat in front of my therapist, explaining what took place over the break and saying it aloud was mind blowing. she told me that a re-evaluation of my relationships could not be postponed any longer. 

friends? i do not understand the meaning of the word. friends for me have always been relationships where i invest way too much and my profits are none. sure, some friends have learned over the years to treat me decent, kind, loving even, but some just never figured it out. the difference is that this year, i am finished. i will no longer be giving 100% in relationships. now, i'm down to 50%. if people want to create meaningful and longlasting relationships with me then they will have to put forth an effort equal to mine. otherwise...hit the road jack and don't come back. 

welcome to 2015. 

on the verge of nervous breakdown. 

lonely beyond measure.

nothing but a low ember underneath a thick layer of ash.

welcome to 2015.

like the phoenix, i will rise out of these ashes and ignite the fire that fuels my passions. i will not give up. my karma circle has been completed and now its time to venture into a new direction in life. 

welcome to 2015.

hello seattle, goodbye LA. this time...it may be for good.