-Charles Bukowski
clarity of mind.
i never quite understood the meaning of that phrase. i figured it was some hippie mumbo jumbo that they preached in order for people to think they learned from life rather than going to college.
however, i find myself in an odd predicament. i am now a hippie.
clarity of mind isn't just a phrase, it's a choice, its a lifestyle. i wake up each and every day facing a battle. not a physical one but a mental one, one where i cannot see my enemy and vanquish him in one swipe of my sword. no, my battle lies deep within the inner workings of my mind. it would have destroyed me had i not left.
that's right. i no longer reside in the prison that was Los Angeles. sure, it's gorgeous and definitely has its perks but, it wasn't in the cards for me to stay there too long. for years i have been trying to please everyone but the one person that truly matters: me. i went from relationship to relationship in the hopes of finding love, i floated in social circles in search of a "best friend," and i starved myself of my own ambitions to please the expectations of my mother. all for what? to lay in bed at night wondering of who the hell i am? i had to find myself, i had to leave in order to come home.
i went to the only place where my heart has found peace; seattle. i decided to take the train. you see, as the hopeless romantic that i am, i figured all the greats have traveled by train, they went in search of themselves and i too, yearned to be free. free of the negativity, free of the expectations, free of the sorrow, free of the toxic people. i arrived in this city and for the first time in my life, i feel peace. i have consumed myself in books, yoga, krav maga, and babysitting. i've out my patience to the test and have found that as a person...i'm pretty damn awesome. i can love even through all the pain, i can smile with the sadness and i am beginning to truly let go.
let go. what an odd concept. we are meant to experience and let people in and in the same fashion we are expected to let them go and release all the emotions that come attached. well, let's face it, i never did learn how to let go. it was sort of like my kryptonite. i couldn't bear to live with my pain and yet i wouldnt dare to live without it. seattle has been more than just a vacation, it's been my saving grace. i would have killed myself in LA, i would have pumped my body with pills and numbed myself in order to not feel anything at all. but, this...THIS IS MY SECOND CHANCE.
i can finally begin to love myself, to treat myself with kindness and respect, to reignite the passion i had for the things i loved, to live MY LIFE FOR ME. it's truly a blessing that i have come this far. that after everything that has occurred in my complex life, i have managed to succeed for you see...success can not be measured by tangible things but the happiness that one feels. that is true success and i have never been happier. sure, i'm single, in a different state, with no friends but i don't need any of those things. i am surrounded by my family, i have structure, i have love. i am experiencing myself in a brand new way and god damn it, i am relishing these moments. of course, there have been rough days, days where i thought i would lose myself but i take a step back and realize that i can do this. i can overcome it. i will be well again and this illness won't last forever.
as for D, i can say only one thing. i am utterly surprised. he seems like a different person. a little more responsible and a little more open. we text here and there and he was the first person to facetime me (because he called me) and boy did that feel great. however, i do remind myself that my journey does not revlve around him. that my decisions in life must be centered around my well being but isn't it crazy that the more i begin to plan my life...he never too far.
what will i do upon my return to California? well for starters i won't be living in LA. to be honest, i have fallen head over heels for san diego. its strangely calming and it's the only other city that feels like home. i want to finsih school and pursue a career in speech therapy and work wiht children (unless i become a special education teacher for elementary school children). it's really quite astonishing how my mind finally feels free to do what i wanted to do and somehow i've been lying to myself. i am no party girl, i am no club scene girl, and i am certainly no promiscuous girl.
who am i?
passionate for learning and teaching, hungry for the written word, confident and articulate, strong willed and unwilling to bend more than i deem fit, unwavering in my faith that what is meant to be, will be, conscious of the feelings of others, humble in knowing that nothing lasts forever and compassionate towards those less fortunate than me, excited to be surrounded by intelligent, driven, outspoken people, and most important courageous in the face of the unknown. change can be difficult but for me it's a challenge i willing accept. for wihtout change, comes no growth and how can one truly live without growing just a wee bit taller?
who am i? i can finally say that i am nothing more and nothing less than who i am in this exact moment. tomorrow will come either way so why worry. yesterday can not be replayed so why fret. today, right now, is all that counts so i will make the best of what i have.
th eless you have, the more you grow. think about that the next time you think the world is falling apart. change your prospective and maybe, just maybe, you'll save your humanity in the process.
inner peace. self-love. self-respect. thirst for knowledge. unwavering courage. these i wish for you. may your life be ever filled with these blessing and much more.
namaste.
STOOPID!
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