good time for a change.

"I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be."
-Douglas Adams


my first year in college has come to a close and with it many new lessons have been learned. 


i began the year (once again) in a relationship with V, thinking how perfect life was. we were so alike, enjoying the same music, style of clothing, and heck even tv shows. yet, there was always something there, something i couldn't quite put my finger on that had been missing all along.
i grew restless and uncomfortable at where i was, i wanted to get out and transfer to a four year university. when R told me it was possible, i jumped the gun and did the paperwork. i tried talking to V about how i felt and the situation we would find ourselves in, only to be met by a cold, indifferent reply of "well that's good."


how could he not have any interest? or at the very least how could he not even pretend to care?!


struggling with how i should feel over V, i find out that F has broken up with his girlfriend. he has been in and out of my life for four years now and although i have treated him wrongfully (safe to say i've been a bitch) he has always been there for me. i tried telling him that things would be ok and not to feel so sad about the circumstances. i even suggested we hang out (although i hadn't seen him in about a year). 
being in long beach all the god damn time with R, i texted F asking if he was free that night. he said yes and we ended up in venice. pandora's box had been up and all these feelings that i had kept under lock and key had been removed without a fight. 


what was wrong with me? more importantly, what happened to my defenses?!


things got hot and heavy pretty fast and let's just say...oh use your imagination. what had i done? i had no regrets, on the contrary, i wanted to do what i did. still, the past is an ugly monster that creeps up and fucks with you (quite literally). I applied to ASU for the fall and had never had the intention of doing this whole "long distance" relationship crap. i knew things with V had to end. i couldn't handle the situations, i couldn't handle leaving everyone i've ever known behind, i couldn't handle starting over. I ended things with V and began focusing on myself. but was i really focusing on myself? or was it simply a lie to open old wounds?


4 years later i'm in the place where i began: afraid, naive, vulnerable. i had jumped from relationship to relationship never thinking of the consequences. i had hurt so many people and never thought of how they felt. i never let anyone in and at the same time let someone in too deep. i never knew what it was like to be heartbroken, and as i sit here looking at my heart on my desk...all i can say is life is one funny motherfucker. J has been going through a rough patch in his life and i called him to see if he was alright. 3 years of avoiding each other and whenever we hang out it's as if we've known each other for ever. J put my life into perspective and though his opinion may be a tad bias, it still revealed F's personality. i never forgave myself for hurting him, i never forgave myself for being impatient, i never forgave myself for being 15 and cold hearted. F never forgave me either, and broke my defenses. he said he would always be there and i can't help but feel it's all been a lie. 


will i ever learn? will i ever stop tripping over the same rock?


classes are coming to an end and with it great change approaches. i'm cutting my hair and with it i cut all ties to the past. i will forgive myself for the pain i caused and i will not let guilt run my life. i will forgive those who have wronged me and move on. i will pick my friends wisely and cherish those who have always come back into my world. 


4 years changes everything, 4 years changed me, 4 years still doesn't seem like more than a blink.