dramarama.

"no one move and no one gets hurt.
if no one moves, then nothing gets worse.
i'm always looking back
'cause you're living in the past.
please pass the present to me now.
please pass the past over my doubt.
i don't think i'm ready to try
to live another brand new life, without you"
-Venice Is Sinking "Undecided"

i laugh whenever i hear people say, "i never changed! you did!"
how can someone state that with such assurance? people say that and i walk away laughing.
i find myself staring at the sky, and it's bitter sweet. winter came to show me the type of "friends" i had in my life. too bad i waited until winter.
i have an old friend who moved to florida. living a brand new life out there, she hardly speaks to me anymore. i call when i can and she returns the calls when she has time. when she came to visit last year, i received a phone call. she wanted to spend her time with me. she had family out here, she had other friends, she had a life yet she spent her time with me; her childhood best friend. i hadn't really thought about what that meant for her (or for me), and a week ago it struck me. phone calls and emails did not make our friendship last, the memories we had together made us friends.
too bad it didn't apply to all my "friends."
i have always had a rough time making friends. high school had been my chance to break out and do things i would never have done. i lost friends, made enemies, made brand new friends, and kept the old friends close to my heart. i had tried to be there friend that they could count on. i had been the listening ear, the shoulder they could cry on and the jokester that made them smile when hell broke lose. yet, i never expected them to reciprocate. i thought i had been a "good friend." sadly, it seems i changed far too much. 
too bad no one told me.
the days passed by and i grew bolder and bolder. some friends were hesitant as to what would come of my revolution. some friends embraced the new me as a "sign of better things to come." and one friend just couldn't accept it. i don't know what happened, i don't know how it got that way, i don't know what went through her mind, but i wasn't good enough for her.
too bad i didn't care about being "good enough."
accused! i had been sentenced to exile on the grounds of not caring about her. i sat there reading the screen and all i could think about were Shakespeare's silioquies. "woe is me!" immediately registered in my mind and all i could decipher was a fakeness to her pleas. maybe i am too judgemental, maybe i hadn't placed my self in her shoes, maybe i should have been more understanding, maybe she had a point, but maybe, just maybe i didn't give a damn. once, twice, too many times to count she had been at the center of a problem. coincidence? i'll give you that. just a folly of the universe? probably not. there was a reason to all this, i just didn't want to see it.
too bad i opened my eyes underwater.
i take long walks to clear my head. i don't know where i'm going but i know where i came from. i try and live my life the same way. i don't know where life will lead me but i do know where it took me. i see the past as a road sign for the future, as a film of the happiest times, and as a book with all my records. i may need to learn how to be a "good friend," i may need to learn to be "understanding," i may in fact need to be brain washed. there is no "rule book" for life, no directions on what to do after passing "GO!" so why must people have expectations of what the title of being a friend entails? shouldn't a friend just be the person they are, faults included. a person who having no blood relation to you is there through the thick and thin and who's attendance at a party doesn't give the title "friend."

parties are so overrated.
mix together a group of people, a cup of emotions, a liter of judgements, and a dash of expectations and presto! a homemade shit fest.
i lost a friend over a party. i lost a friend over a phone call that never got dialed. i lost two people whom i considered friends. i lost the person who was my accomplice, whom i confided in with everything, who had been nothing but laughter, who dealt with losing friends all the time, who used to  call me "motherly" in an affectionate  way, who kept secrets from me until it the last minute, who i trusted beyond a doubt, who i thought would be happy for my change, who at the end couldn't face the fact that everyone changes (for better or for worse), who cut our ties because we weren't "as close" anymore, who even after the insults i wish her all the happiness she didn't have with me, who is dear to my heart, who now only exists in memories that can never be erased, who is still loved by me, a person who i still consider a friend. i lost her and now we're strangers.
too bad life goes on and i'm still changing.

في حب

Come to me in my dreams, and then

By day I shall be well again!
For so the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.


Come, as thou cam'st a thousand times,
A messenger from radiant climes,
And smile on thy new world, and be
As kind to others as to me!


Or, as thou never cam'st in sooth,
Come now, and let me dream it truth,
And part my hair, and kiss my brow,
And say, My love why sufferest thou?


Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again!
For so the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.
-"Longing" by Matthew Arnold

heartbreak.
i never understood what that meant. "i'm still alive but i'm barely breathing," couldn't be more exact to how i feel at this very moment. it's an almost numbing sensation, i'm baffled as to how i (the fortress of emotions) got here underneath the ruble.

four months.
i remember the pain i felt that night as i walked towards my door, the orange haze of the street lights blurred my vision as my eyes watered. stabbed through the heart, that's how it felt. his indifference and almost cool attitude made the drive home unbearable. why hadn't he told me the truth? why hadn't he just said, "i'm going to shatter your heart tonight" why did i ever fall for his best friend.
a dance. one stupid dance. i asked too much. i once had my palm read and the lady looked at me and said, "you won't be happy because you won't allow others entry into your heart." fair enough. i always had my guard up when it came to the opposite sex. i never had the typical teen age girl's views on love. "happily ever after!" "i'm going to marry him," or the most absurd, "i love him." i had a strong head on my shoulders and a cynical point of view of the world around me. then something happened, everything changed...for the worse.
intelligent, humorous, a smart ass, athletic, kind, sweet, clever, callus, cold-hearted, a coward, insensitive. perfect. i fell head over heels for him. my heart skipped a beat everytime i saw him walk into the room. i watched his games with the hope that he'd turn and see me there sitting in the crowd. all those car rides home, his eyes gave me a look that i haven't found to this day: fear and desire mixed in one gaze. we never kissed, we never had sex, we never did anything physical but that wouldn't have been the point. i won't lie and say those aren't important aspects for me but what i really wanted was for him to let go of his inhibitions and take a leap of faith. faith, a concept his whole life revolved around. instead i blinded myself with nonsense and convinced myself that he could like me. too bad i found out the truth much too late.

last night.
"we laughed about the whole thing. it was actually pretty hilarious." i cringed at the thought that my most vunerable moment had been turned into a joke, literally. how could he laugh? how could he look me in the eye at school as if it had been no big deal? how could i have been so stupid! i laid in bed with a weight on my chest that grew heavier each passing day. i picked my phone up and texted the bastard. my heart skipped a beat. what should i say? should i call him names? should i expose him for the asshole that he is? no. i will simply say, "i will learn to forgive you and move on." yeah right. i may not have been a bitch but i was by no means pleasant (i am a woman, we can hurt with words). i cried. i cried like i should have cried that night walking towards my door. i cried for placing my heart on a stake, for letting my heart take over instead of my head, for allowing fear to take over his desicions, for his inability to grasp an opportunity, for his loyalty, for his viture, for my shamelessness, for my unjust hatred, for my callus, cold-hearted ways. i cried myself to sleep, and woke up barely breathing.

"i want none of this/they're just bad memories, i don't want"
two more years. i'll have to wake up every morning with the constant fear of running into him around campus. fear. it no longer dwells in his gaze but in mine. fear of rejection, fear of loss, fear of letting someone in. it will not be easy, heck it'll be a daily struggle, yet i must survive. i will forgive, him and myself. i did my part to make this happen, i placed him between the sword and the wall. he as the better man and chose the sword with his head held high. what happens next you ask? enlightenment. "The repayment of a bad action is one equivalent to it. But if someone pardons and puts things right, his reward is with Allah…" (Qur’an, 42:40). the road goes forward and i will not turn my head and look back. how's it going to be when i don't know him?...bittersweet.

and the darkness blinded my eyes. and the silence made my heart scream louder.
في حب, translation: in love with...

dezoito.

Why do children want to grow up?  Because they experience their lives as constrained by immaturity and perceive adulthood as a condition of greater freedom and opportunity.  But what is there today, in America, that very poor and very rich adolescents want to do but cannot do?  Not much:  they can "do" drugs, "have" sex, "make" babies, and "get" money (from their parents, crime, or the State).  For such adolescents, adulthood becomes synonymous with responsibility rather than liberty.  Is it any surprise that they remain adolescents? 
-Thomas Szasz


legal.

i don't know if perhaps i expected too much (i mean i didn't think i'd get a parade and fireworks) but turning 18 was not very thrilling.
i thought things would be different, i thought my life would make a 180 and change for the better, i thought i'd forget, i thought i'd mature, i thought too much about a double digit number.

sure! there's perks. i can buy ciggs, vote, gamble, go to clubs and hookah bars but is that really it? did i wait all this time to find out that it wasn't a big deal? i wish i could say that turning 18 was a monumental occasion in my life. that being an "adult" was intoxicating and exciting. i wish i could say all those things, instead reality once again slapped me in the face; i've been an adult my whole life.

responsible? yes. outspoken? yes. driven? yes. always talks things out? yes. has to deal with immature youngsters? yes. motherly? sadly, yes. loving? no comment.
see the problem did not lie with my birthday not being a grand celebration, the problem dealt with realizing that i always held the title of "adult" (even if i only was a child). i'd be lying if i said it didn't hurt, at first, to figure out that i never really was a kid. it never dawned on me that i didn't live the life of a kid. it came as instinct to take care of myself, and others, after my father's death and it never bothered me to just stay home and do homework after helping my mother clean. i grew cold to certain spheres in life, cynical in general, and short tempered.

however, i also learned a few good things. how to brush off simple misunderstandings, talk things out with others, take risks, become independent, show compassion and tolerance for others, and plant the seed that would keep me driven to succeed until this very day.

ok, so maybe being an "adult" since i was 8 wasn't such a bad thing. it's true, i didn't get the bells and whistles i hoped for on my 18th birthday but i did get one thing: i found myself. i found a girl who screamed "paradox!" in her being and yet still managed to stay serene and confident.

my life may not be what i expected (shoot, i'm becoming religious if you can believe it!) but it's sure been one hell of an eighteen year long ride.

full circle.

some people never go crazy.
me, sometimes I'll lie down behind the couch
for 3 or 4 days.
they'll find me there.
it's Cherub, they'll say, and
they pour wine down my throat
rub my chest
sprinkle me with oils.
then, I'll rise with a roar,
rant, rage -
curse them and the universe
as I send them scattering over the
lawn.
I'll feel much better,
sit down to toast and eggs,
hum a little tune,
suddenly become as lovable as a
pink
overfed whale.
some people never go crazy.
what truly horrible lives
they must lead.
-"Some People" by Charles Bukowski

i'm not one to believe in fate, however; i do feel compelled to listen to the argument that there is a bit of "magic" (or some nonsense) in the air. my life could not have turned out this way on pure chance.

the last weeks of high school were both exciting and a constant headache. D would not take the hint that i had moved forward (without him) and the days till graduation seemed to be whizzing passed me at the speed of light. yet, my heart remained stuck in the middle. i couldn't forget how that boy threw my heart right back at me and left it beating slowly. i couldn't erase how stupid i felt for allowing myself to acknowledge my feelings for him, and worst of all i couldn't bring myself to regret any of it.

i should have been more "sympathetic" towards D but somewhere deep down inside, all the disdain i had harbored for him erupted. a slow moving but deadly lava flow made it's way towards D and he couldn't escape it. maybe i'm a bad person or maybe i made a mistake or perhaps i didn't know how to handle the situation as an adult. whatever the case may be i am sorry that my dirty laundry was thrown into the open and that all my friends were placed into quick sand.

i'll take you back to a week and a half before prom. i'm sitting in Glasser's class retelling the events that took place in that boy's car. Glasser sat and listened and shared some wisdom..."he's a dumbass." suddenly like an egg hitting a brick wall it hit Glasser, "why don't you take Victor Duran to prom!?"
I had met Victor 2 years ago, he had known D since middle school. I didn't talk to him much except at track meets since we both ran the same events. i always thought he was good looking (ok he's extremely hot) but i never saw him in that light. yet, here we were close friends as my senior year came to an end. we cheered each other on at meets, i attempted to take photos with his camera, and when i saw that boy hugging another girl V was there to hold me while i cried. but take him to prom? i didn't want him to think i was weird or anything so i simply said to Glasser, "alright if you tell him something i can't stop you but i'm not saying anything."

i'll take you back a week before prom. i'm sitting in Glasser's class when all of a sudden he rushes out to talk to V. my heart stops and my faces flushes. i hate Glasser right about now. the day goes on and i don't know exactly what happened in that hall way. i decide to take a risk and ask V what Glasser said to him. V cooly tells me that Glasser had said he was stupid for not asking me to prom. holy crap. then he says that he told Glasser that he thought D and i were still dating and it would be weird. oh my god. Glasser exclaimed that no D and i were NOT dating. fuck my life. i attempt to tell V (without falling dead from embarrassment) that i didn't ask him to prom because i didn't want him to think i was weird. V replied, "why would i think you were weird? it'd be fun to go to prom with you." and so i went to prom with my good friend.

i'll take you back to prom night. V and i are dancing . we've been dancing for hours. i'm having an amazing time. something doesn't feel right, though not in a bad way. V had been inching his way closer and closer to me while dancing. i hadn't thought much about it until he was a few centimeters away from my lips. in the midst of a sea of familiar faces, beautiful dresses, and the humming of the music we kissed. V, the boy who was my close friend had just crossed the friendship line...and i loved it. it's safe to say that everyone saw though not many knew it was me (ahh the wonders of makeup and a black dress).

i'll take you back to the week after prom. i'm not sure how to characterize what exactly happened between V and i. was it just a prom thing? would it turn into something more? i let go of all my inhibitions and made it official: whatever it turned out to be, i'd enjoy the ride. of course there are always villians to a disney story. D found out that i went to prom with V and that we kissed. i have never been more humiliated in my life. he called me a whore, slut, bitch, tramp (just to name a few) and said i was the scum of the earth. i didn't care. i told him that i was sorry he felt that way but things happen and i couldn't stop the flow of the night. besides, i didn't want to get back with him. he threw a furious tantrum and i hung up the phone. for the first time in 2 years i felt free.

V and D were friends. i was in the same triangle as before. i had a scarlet D on my chest and it was awful to contemplate that i would never get rid of it. but V wasn't like the other boy. V knew what he wanted...and what he wanted was me. he didn't care if D and him stopped being friends (they had grown apart anyways so V said) and for the first time i put myself before D.

it's the present day. i have to admitt that there must be some sort of "fate" in the universe. many months ago i had a fortune cookie tell me that i would "find comfort in a new relationship." i didn't think much of it at the time but how it all fell into place. V can only be described in one word: incredible. i can be myself (my true self) without inhibitions and without the feeling that i'll be judged. there was no awkward stage, we knew who the other one was (although they have been a few surprises). but most importantly it's a different stage in our lives.

graduation came and went in a flash. as i saw everyone i've known since 6th grade receive their diplomas i couldn't help but look to my right. there was V, sitting next to me in his cap and gown, looking to the future. he has been through as much heart ache as i have and yet he still had a sense of hope for tomorrow. life was full of exciting opportunities that he wanted to grasp. i looked up and tossed my cap into the air. it was all finally over.

i don't know what lies ahead, i don't know what i'm doing this weekend for that matter but what i do know is this: everything always comes full circle. if i learned anything in AP English it was that nothing new can be written if nothing before has happened to cause change. a new chapter has begun in my life but the old ones are still there. waiting for when the time comes to open them up and read how far i've gone.

sempre igual.

"Love is not a profession

genteel or otherwise

sex is not dentistry

the slick filling of aches and cavities

you are not my doctor

you are not my cure,

nobody has that

power, you are merely a fellow/traveller

Give up this medical concern,

buttoned, attentive,

permit yourself anger

and permit me mine

which needs neither

your approval nor your suprise

which does not need to be made legal

which is not against a disease

but agaist you,

which does not need to be understood

or washed or cauterized,

which needs instead

to be said and said.

Permit me the present tense."

-Margaret Atwood, Is/Not

it's funny how things seems so simple yet end up in a complicated situation.

i may seem like a bitch, but to be honest i don't feel one bit of guilt. i could no longer lie to myself nor to D. i did not see him in my future and i wanted him to just get over it.

it's funny how things seem so simple.

i took a risk, something i haven't done in about 2 years, and asked a boy to prom. i had thought he would have liked to go with me and at the time he did not refuse the offer entirely.

however there was a major problem...

he was D's close friend.

a week went by without an answer and i couldn't take just sitting around and waiting.

it's funny how things seem so simple.

i went to his game and meet D there. he threw a drama queen scene yelling how "i exclude him" and how i'm a bitch. excuse me, but since when was it mandatory for a girl to hang out with her ex? i ignored his tyraid and after the game got a ride from that boy. i asked him what he thought about prom and told me "i always have things to do on the weekends and i can't go to prom"

it's funny how things seem so simple.

where was this response a week ago? why couldn't he have told me that the same day i asked him? why did he allow me to make a fool out of myself??

i would be lying if i said it didn't hurt, still hurts actually, but what can i do...nothing.

i couldn't have gotten out of his car any faster, and walking towards my door all i could think of was how stupidly i placed my feelings out into the open. i told D that i asked someone else to prom hoping it would end all ties with him. he explained (more like exclaimed) what a horrible person i was and how i betrayed him. i couldn't have cared less. i wanted to be free from his crap, free from his suffocating grip on my nonexistent guilt, free to do whatever the hell i wanted...even if it meant getting my heart flung back at me.

it's funny how things seem so simple.

i'm sitting alone. thinking to myself.

wondering if taking a risk was worth it.

baby, diving into the cold water and coming up refreshed into the summer sun,

was totally worth it.

it's funny how things are so simple, and how quickly one can complicate it all.

l'amour est dans l'air.

"open me up and you will see,

i'm a gallery of broken hearts,

i'm beyond repair, let me be,

and give me back my broken parts."

love is in the air. i haven't told my story in quite some time and i do apologize. well if you must know, D and i are no longer. cut it right before V-Day. a mess with his so called mother and insane sister complicated things between us and it became too much to handle. we are still amigos and i do love him dearly.


as with J, well i mustered the courage to tell him how i felt but unfortunately he moved away. and besides all he could say was "i really like you as a friend and who knows maybe there could have been something there" whatever the flip that means. 

i guess you can say that in the love category, i never got an A. i can barely keep a paper heart from tearing into shreds.

V-Day, ahhhhh i can see the love. how sickening. i'm not much of a lovey dovey person (never have been) but it seems to me that it's nothing more than a commercialized holiday...much like christmas for that matter.
 

it's the second semester of my senior year. i know i should be worrying about college and what not but i'm not. i have decided to take the cheaper way, a jc. as i jog along through my last weeks in high school, i can't help but be thankful. thankful that i can finally leave all the immature, ungrateful, stuck up bastards in the past and move forward on the road to my adult life. i have to admit, i am very excited. 

i don't know where life will take me but i'm ready to encounter it all. i have met so many people and realized that no one is ever truly honest. there lies an underlying element of mystery that conceals the truth. however, once in a great while there comes along a person with whom everything blurs, where life is fun again, where the sun shines, and where you can feel a connection (it does not have to be sexually). people like this allow me to reflect on life in a more positive manner and not in my usual cynical way.

life is looking up. i have made amends with those i have wronged and with those who have wronged me, and in consequence have left all those feelings of anger and frustration behind. i have taking up cooking and photography as a "creative outlet" and find them therapeutic and have untapped a patience which i never thought i had.

l'amour est dans l'air. i feel nauseas.