في حب

Come to me in my dreams, and then

By day I shall be well again!
For so the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.


Come, as thou cam'st a thousand times,
A messenger from radiant climes,
And smile on thy new world, and be
As kind to others as to me!


Or, as thou never cam'st in sooth,
Come now, and let me dream it truth,
And part my hair, and kiss my brow,
And say, My love why sufferest thou?


Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again!
For so the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.
-"Longing" by Matthew Arnold

heartbreak.
i never understood what that meant. "i'm still alive but i'm barely breathing," couldn't be more exact to how i feel at this very moment. it's an almost numbing sensation, i'm baffled as to how i (the fortress of emotions) got here underneath the ruble.

four months.
i remember the pain i felt that night as i walked towards my door, the orange haze of the street lights blurred my vision as my eyes watered. stabbed through the heart, that's how it felt. his indifference and almost cool attitude made the drive home unbearable. why hadn't he told me the truth? why hadn't he just said, "i'm going to shatter your heart tonight" why did i ever fall for his best friend.
a dance. one stupid dance. i asked too much. i once had my palm read and the lady looked at me and said, "you won't be happy because you won't allow others entry into your heart." fair enough. i always had my guard up when it came to the opposite sex. i never had the typical teen age girl's views on love. "happily ever after!" "i'm going to marry him," or the most absurd, "i love him." i had a strong head on my shoulders and a cynical point of view of the world around me. then something happened, everything changed...for the worse.
intelligent, humorous, a smart ass, athletic, kind, sweet, clever, callus, cold-hearted, a coward, insensitive. perfect. i fell head over heels for him. my heart skipped a beat everytime i saw him walk into the room. i watched his games with the hope that he'd turn and see me there sitting in the crowd. all those car rides home, his eyes gave me a look that i haven't found to this day: fear and desire mixed in one gaze. we never kissed, we never had sex, we never did anything physical but that wouldn't have been the point. i won't lie and say those aren't important aspects for me but what i really wanted was for him to let go of his inhibitions and take a leap of faith. faith, a concept his whole life revolved around. instead i blinded myself with nonsense and convinced myself that he could like me. too bad i found out the truth much too late.

last night.
"we laughed about the whole thing. it was actually pretty hilarious." i cringed at the thought that my most vunerable moment had been turned into a joke, literally. how could he laugh? how could he look me in the eye at school as if it had been no big deal? how could i have been so stupid! i laid in bed with a weight on my chest that grew heavier each passing day. i picked my phone up and texted the bastard. my heart skipped a beat. what should i say? should i call him names? should i expose him for the asshole that he is? no. i will simply say, "i will learn to forgive you and move on." yeah right. i may not have been a bitch but i was by no means pleasant (i am a woman, we can hurt with words). i cried. i cried like i should have cried that night walking towards my door. i cried for placing my heart on a stake, for letting my heart take over instead of my head, for allowing fear to take over his desicions, for his inability to grasp an opportunity, for his loyalty, for his viture, for my shamelessness, for my unjust hatred, for my callus, cold-hearted ways. i cried myself to sleep, and woke up barely breathing.

"i want none of this/they're just bad memories, i don't want"
two more years. i'll have to wake up every morning with the constant fear of running into him around campus. fear. it no longer dwells in his gaze but in mine. fear of rejection, fear of loss, fear of letting someone in. it will not be easy, heck it'll be a daily struggle, yet i must survive. i will forgive, him and myself. i did my part to make this happen, i placed him between the sword and the wall. he as the better man and chose the sword with his head held high. what happens next you ask? enlightenment. "The repayment of a bad action is one equivalent to it. But if someone pardons and puts things right, his reward is with Allah…" (Qur’an, 42:40). the road goes forward and i will not turn my head and look back. how's it going to be when i don't know him?...bittersweet.

and the darkness blinded my eyes. and the silence made my heart scream louder.
في حب, translation: in love with...