Guess what I am the same man, same man
Same man I've always been"
-Airborne Toxic Event "Changing"
eleven years.
i had not seen him in eleven years, and suddenly there he was on my computer screen. T.G. had sent me a friend request.
after the death of my father, my mother could no longer stay at home to homeschool my sister and i and thus placed us under the supervision of christian fanatics. Faith Christian Academy was my prison for a year yet all i have are fond memories. i had never been in an environment with children my own age so i tended to remain silent. what people mistook for shy had been my silent observations. i watched everything, everyone. i especially liked to watch T. as a typical book worm, i reached the top of my third grade class (with T not too far behind). we would walk to the fourth grade classroom to have our work graded all the while T attempted to make conversation and i remained silent as a stone. my first crush, and i couldn't even say hello without getting flustered. alas, i left at the end of the school year, moved into a new neighborhood and never saw him again.
eleven years and i still remembered him.
sometime during november i had left a friend a comment regarding not attending practice (yes, i do prefer breakfast instead of running 10 miles thank you!). a boy named A sent me a comment saying how he knew me. i listed all the schools i attended with no avail. A then types "faith! i knew you from faith! i had the biggest crush on you!" sadly, i had no clue who this kid was. when i told my sister what had happened she asked me if i remembered anyone from faith. did i remember anyone? surely i had to have atleast one friend right? there was N and S my best friends at the school...and then there was T. i clearly remembered T. i began to wonder what had become of him. what college did he get into, how did high school treat him, did he change schools as well? six months pass by and i'm laying in bed at 2:30 am when i get a friend request. T found me.
eleven years and i'm not eight anymore.
we talked for hours online and i decided it was alright to give him my number. we met up the next day and grabbed some thai tea boba at my favorite joint. if i were a boy, i would be T. we somehow managed to grow up liking the same things. from music, to movies, to our style of dress we were almost identical. he still had his boyish charm and well i fell head over heels (again and again i find myself saying the same thing). i drove to UCR to visit him, stayed over, met his friends, and helped him move out. i had been through so much in my life that meeting a gentleman seemed like life had finally stopped fucking with me. however, life had a lot more up her frigid sleeve for me. things began so unexpectedly that we didn't have time to figure out who we were. our pasts are still a mystery and assumptions are made on a daily bases. could a relationship work when the boy is in love with the eight year old version of his girl? in a perfect world it would but this is reality, my reality and in my world i can never get what i want. Changing, i have a problem with changing. D scarred me, making me bitter towards anyone and anything that demands i change to fit them. if you tell me not to party, i'm going to party harder! if you tell me to eat junk food, i'm going on a diet! it's the basic "teenage rebellion lash out" stage that i never had. is it a bad thing? of course, but it's my method of coping with the mess inside. my barriers protect me from getting hurt and my disregard for any advice on how i should live my life allows me to feel free...to feel as though i control my life. a the song by Talk Talk says "it's my life, don't you forget." i can't seem to stress the MY LIFE aspect of that statement. had T talked to me before hand about issues that bothered him, had he nottaken it upon himself to "show me a lesson" by ignoring me, had he never said "i love you" i would not be in this predicament. instead i'm here, writing on this online blog because i'm too stubborn to call him, because i went to talk to him earlier today and left knowing i would never be good enough for him, because i love him but he loves the eight year old Carmen.
eleven years and he's going to pass me by.
i leave for ASU in three weeks and i don't know where i stand with T. i don't believe in coincidences and there is a bigger reason as to why i met T when i did. maybe it's to remind me that i've been living a lie. that partying, drinking, and doing drugs isn't my scene. that i don't need to get hammered to have fun. or maybe it's to remind myself that i will never be good enough for anyone.
baggage: that's the price i paid for my mistakes.
eleven years.
i had not seen him in eleven years, and suddenly there he was on my computer screen. T.G. had sent me a friend request.
after the death of my father, my mother could no longer stay at home to homeschool my sister and i and thus placed us under the supervision of christian fanatics. Faith Christian Academy was my prison for a year yet all i have are fond memories. i had never been in an environment with children my own age so i tended to remain silent. what people mistook for shy had been my silent observations. i watched everything, everyone. i especially liked to watch T. as a typical book worm, i reached the top of my third grade class (with T not too far behind). we would walk to the fourth grade classroom to have our work graded all the while T attempted to make conversation and i remained silent as a stone. my first crush, and i couldn't even say hello without getting flustered. alas, i left at the end of the school year, moved into a new neighborhood and never saw him again.
eleven years and i still remembered him.
sometime during november i had left a friend a comment regarding not attending practice (yes, i do prefer breakfast instead of running 10 miles thank you!). a boy named A sent me a comment saying how he knew me. i listed all the schools i attended with no avail. A then types "faith! i knew you from faith! i had the biggest crush on you!" sadly, i had no clue who this kid was. when i told my sister what had happened she asked me if i remembered anyone from faith. did i remember anyone? surely i had to have atleast one friend right? there was N and S my best friends at the school...and then there was T. i clearly remembered T. i began to wonder what had become of him. what college did he get into, how did high school treat him, did he change schools as well? six months pass by and i'm laying in bed at 2:30 am when i get a friend request. T found me.
eleven years and i'm not eight anymore.
we talked for hours online and i decided it was alright to give him my number. we met up the next day and grabbed some thai tea boba at my favorite joint. if i were a boy, i would be T. we somehow managed to grow up liking the same things. from music, to movies, to our style of dress we were almost identical. he still had his boyish charm and well i fell head over heels (again and again i find myself saying the same thing). i drove to UCR to visit him, stayed over, met his friends, and helped him move out. i had been through so much in my life that meeting a gentleman seemed like life had finally stopped fucking with me. however, life had a lot more up her frigid sleeve for me. things began so unexpectedly that we didn't have time to figure out who we were. our pasts are still a mystery and assumptions are made on a daily bases. could a relationship work when the boy is in love with the eight year old version of his girl? in a perfect world it would but this is reality, my reality and in my world i can never get what i want. Changing, i have a problem with changing. D scarred me, making me bitter towards anyone and anything that demands i change to fit them. if you tell me not to party, i'm going to party harder! if you tell me to eat junk food, i'm going on a diet! it's the basic "teenage rebellion lash out" stage that i never had. is it a bad thing? of course, but it's my method of coping with the mess inside. my barriers protect me from getting hurt and my disregard for any advice on how i should live my life allows me to feel free...to feel as though i control my life. a the song by Talk Talk says "it's my life, don't you forget." i can't seem to stress the MY LIFE aspect of that statement. had T talked to me before hand about issues that bothered him, had he nottaken it upon himself to "show me a lesson" by ignoring me, had he never said "i love you" i would not be in this predicament. instead i'm here, writing on this online blog because i'm too stubborn to call him, because i went to talk to him earlier today and left knowing i would never be good enough for him, because i love him but he loves the eight year old Carmen.
eleven years and he's going to pass me by.
i leave for ASU in three weeks and i don't know where i stand with T. i don't believe in coincidences and there is a bigger reason as to why i met T when i did. maybe it's to remind me that i've been living a lie. that partying, drinking, and doing drugs isn't my scene. that i don't need to get hammered to have fun. or maybe it's to remind myself that i will never be good enough for anyone.
baggage: that's the price i paid for my mistakes.
