going the distance.

"Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise
I'm by your side"
-"Hey There Delilah" Plain White T's


two months. 
i can't believe i've been here that long. everyone has gone back to school and i've already had my first midterms. weird how time goes by so quickly after high school. it was only last year that i remember wishing to be out of that god forsaken state...now it seems that all i really want is to go back home. 
but is it for the right reasons?


my life changed this summer. i met T again and nothing could ever (or will ever) be the same again. there have been many moments where i have felt that i have been in love, where i have uttered those words because i felt obligated to do so, where those three words meant nothing. then there was this...this moment where i said those words and it's meant more than i could have imagined, where those words only scratched the surface of what i felt for him. i find myself waking up in the morning wondering how he is doing or how he'll plan to spend his days, other times i find myself lying awake in bed yearning to be near him. i have never felt this way before. i have never felt so complete.
is it real?


T has seen me at my lows and yet he hasn't given up. i have slowly begun to bring down barriers which i had believed where there to protect me but have come to realize only inhibited me from actually falling in love. is it all ponies and rainbows? of course not! that would be ludicrous, yet the times when it is only the two of us, we are both happy. not happy in the way a piece of cake or a new video game makes me happy but happy as a state of being. though at times our arguments can escalate to a boiling point, when our eyes lock nothing else matters. he has become important beyond comparison and i can honestly say that i have fallen in love. it's a rather strange concept for someone like me to wrap their brain around. why? well, perhaps because i've never had a model example of what love is.
how do i know it's not just a phase?


i have had other boyfriends and i have sadly said "i love you" when i didn't mean it. what's to say this isn't the same case? it's just something i know. call it intuition or what you will but it's different. I am different when i'm with him. the world is different. i find myself tapping into a girl that i have placed on the back burner for years and frankly it's spectacular! as i grow older i find that emotionally i've grown tremendously and i have managed to find someone willing to go through that growth with me. surreal at times, i can't help but feel grateful...blessed that i found him once again. i have never trusted any man with something so fragile as my heart, heck, the only man i did trust died a very long time ago. still, T held out his heart and placed it in my hands without asking anything in return. i had never experienced such trust, such commitment before which caused me to spiral into a state of confusion. 
what was i to do?


i did exactly what my barriers told me not to do: i gave in. i handed him my heart and told him "i know my heart my be bruised, a little scarred but if you'll have it, if you'll keep it safe...i'd like to give it to you." turned out to be the best decision of my life to date. being so far away should have made things difficult for the both of us and yes at times all i want is to have him hold me in his arms but it has also made us stronger. not having him around has made me appreciate the wonderful man i have back home and has made me think twice about the decisions i make on a daily bases. it's a real life changing experience if i do say so myself.
what'll happen now?


i don't know. i am no fortune teller and i certainly cannot predict what will happen tomorrow or 5 years from now. however, i do know this: i am in love with Thomas Albert Garcia. no matter how far i go or how many months go by before we meet again, i will not stop feeling this way. i still get butterflies every time i see him, i still love to hear him talk (even if i have no clue what the heck he's talking about), and i still cannot get over the fact of how wonderful he is. he may be conceited (only in a playful tone though!), he may irritate me at times, and he may hurt my feelings more than anyone else but he's mine and i am his. distance is only a physical measurement. my heart will always be there right beside him (still, having skype doesn't hurt).


i want you more than anything in my life,
i need you more than anything in my life,
i'll miss you more than anyone in my life,
i love you more than anyone in my life.


see you very soon T.