The American Dream.

“If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery--isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is.”
-Charles Bukowski

The heat has become almost unbearable for some, as for me, i rather enjoy the heat. it takes me back to a time where life seemed set in stone. a time when i thought i knew all the answers to the universe. yet, as the hot winds intensify, i can't help but to smile. nothing lasts forever and sometimes that isn't such a bad thing. 

for the past two months, i have been a very strange state. i love myself with such zealous ferociousness that i could no longer stand being taken for granted. i began to do things for myself in every possible sense of the phrase and by god did i go far. i suppose my life tooka drastic turn the night i met a man. now, of course you'll say "oh boy! how many men have changed her life!" true, i do seem to place such grandiose significance on the men that come into my life but he isn't the average man. i accompanied my sister Candie to The Huntley. while at the bar on the top floor, we looked upon the cold, dark, and beautiful city of Santa Monica. of course, the view we each saw was completely different. as we sat there, surrounded by the voices of drunken strangers a man came up to us. J oozed charisma. his smile alone captivated the gaze and once he lured you in, it was very difficult to come out alive. however, he did not catch my eye. although he came up to me and introduced himself, he didn't fit my type. that's when i noticed him. taking a seat next to J was D. now, quite in his demeanor, once he got to talking his personality caught my attention. all over the place, focused, kind, ambitious, loyal, and handsome...D was quite a catch. but, alas, he seemed oblivious to my existence what with my sister being there (a girl can only dream of being half as pretty as she is). the night was young and so were we and thus began the night that i would remember forever.

drinks after drinks, we talked, laughed and by closing time we were whisked away to J's new home in Santa Monica. a beautiful little house with a gorgeous backyard, my sister and i were delighted that they were so fun to be around. now, i know what you'll say "how could you be so careless!" or "of course you guys fucked!" on the contrary, it was a very calm night. once we arrived at J's house, drinks were poured and each of us found a quite spot to talk. D led me on a tour of the house and we discussed almost everything. where he went to school, what he did for work, what i wanted to do in life, the relationships i had in the past and how i wanted to change it badly, and it was all very natural. he was a complete stranger and yet he was as attentive as any one of my closest friends. maybe this guy isn't just trying to fuck me. by the time i realized it, the clock read 6am and all chances of scoring were out the window. they put us in a cab and we went home. the next day all i could think about was how spectacular that night had been. D had my number but i did not expect a call.

several days later, things with T seemed tedious. i no longer wanted to argue nor did i care to make an effort. i had abandoned ship and T didn't even know it.then D texted me. my heart skipped a beat. we spoke about ordinary things and nothing more than friends. however, every time he texted me i couldn't help but smile. what was this feeling? i didn't like hi per say or did i? i left on a cruise with Candie and her friend, only to return a changed person.

we left to ensenada, mexico and life will never be the same. i have never been the kind of girl to think that i could be pretty in any fashion. i thought perhaps some guys may find me attractive but many? never in my wildest dreams. while on that cruise the amount of men who offered me drinks, wanted to dance with me or hell wanted to fuck me was enormous. men who not only had money but education and a knowledge that was larger than mine. now that's what i had wanted in life. men with ambition, men who knew what they wanted and weren't afraid to get it (even if that included me). while drinking at Papas and Beer, an older gentleman asked if we would like to sit with them. now, for me this was nothing more than old school. a gentleman asks for a lady to sit him him, to join him at his table. i leapt at the opportunity. we didn't have to pay for anything and i had a blast. as the hours passed, we came up on conversation that explained why he chose to invite us. Candie's friend is a gorgous woman. with a butt that will make women envious and an hourglass figure that's too die for. when we were invited, i immediately thought that he was interested in her. so i enjoyed the perks of being her friend. as the conversation unfolded, i came to know that he had been interested in me the whole time. dumbfounded, i gasp when the words left his lips "me? are you sure?" he laughed. "but of course you! you give off the air of innocence and yet your eyes are tantalizing. as though you are no innocent girl, but a woman in every sense of the word." i came back home with a completely different set of eyes. for the first time, i understood the extent of my magnetism. 

i broke up with T after i came back home. i couldn't stay any more. my love for him had slowly withered and soon would be extinguished. a wave of relief crashed over me once T left. at that moment i knew i had done the right thing. i would live for me and no one else. i would never again change to fit someone's "idea" of a perfect woman and i would never again love someone more than i loved myself. because i was flawless. 

that weekend i went down to San Diego with my cousin. in the hopes of escaping the city and clearing my head. while there, i took my first gamble and texted D. i told him i would be there that weekend and he immediately offered to take me out. why the hell not. the weekend couldn't have been any more spectacular. sure we did the bar scene (hel he treated my cousin and our friend to drinks all night) but he also took me to other places. he took me to dinner, the zoo, to his house (i met his sister and her husband and theyre baby). we hit it off ina way that's very strange for me. i have never met a stranger that seems so wonderful and full of life. he was flawed just like me and did not patronize me for being older. we had such a great time that he decided to come up to LA the following weekend just to see me. 

my weekend in LA with him was jaw dropping. we stayed at the Omni in little tokyo (how could i not be gawking) and he took me to a clipper game at the Staples Center. he introduced me to some of his friends and took me to some many different places in LA that i didn't even know existed. we also discovered that when it comes to the bedroom, nothing is off limits. passion in all the right places, the weekend went by in a flash and when he left all i could do was think "god damn, life is so good!" we saw each other for mother's day and have plans for memorial day weekend. am i getting ahead of myself? perhaps. does he even like me? maybe not. but for the first time, i really don't care. i am having the time of my life, experiencing life with an older man and its fabulous. the things he wants to do are so different from what i'm accustomed to that there is never a dull moment.

D was the light at the end of the tunnel, where i knew things would get better if only i held on to hope. hope that one day i would fill the void inside me. 

to everyone i have hurt in the past, i am truly sorry. i am no longer the frightened, fearful, love longing girl i used to be. i am woman hear me roar. i am strong, beautiful, charming, vicious, erotic, intelligent, cruel, loving and dorky. a balance of ying and yang that i work on everyday to maintain. i no longer fear what people think of me, i am what i am and nothing else. i will do what i want, say what i want, feel what i what because only i live my life. to T, i ask for forgiveness and i say that i have forgiven you. may you find happiness in everything you do.

i am finally ready to really honestly do things. take leaps of faith, do extraordinary things and find my own american dream.

knowledge isnt always power

"(Do I wanna know?)Too busy being yours to fall(Sad to see you go)Ever thought of calling darling?(Do I wanna know?)Do you want me crawling back to you?"-Arctic Monkeys, Do I Wanna Know

i sat there, silently searching through all the memories in my mind, yearning for a sign. i felt the words sink into my heart, they sank like rocks and flooded my heart with the roaring waters of heartache. 

did i want to know the truth? of course. 

did i really want to know the truth? maybe not.

i do not claim to be a saint, on the contrary, i am the first to admit that my past isn't blemish free. however, i never lied about how i felt with T. i loved him with a love that burned so passionately that it consumed me inside and out. i became a slave to his every whim, craving him like a drug. it was a toxic love at first, i allowed it to eat my soul in one gulp. alas, when he broke my heart the first time something broke. i could never quite put my finger on it, but something did not add up. i felt empty...as though a part of me had died in a far away country surrounded by strange faces. when we started our relationship back up again, i thought that this would be it. he finally said he was mine.

towards the end of last year, i experienced a crippling battle with depression. i saw myself falling off the bridge of sanity every night and i couldn't stop my train from moving. after three years if being placed on the back burner, i decided it was my turn to move on. i started seeing C and although there was passion...love did not exist. i made the choice that i would take love over luxury, over decency, over myself. all i wanted was his love. 

i sat there silently waiting to hear the whole story. what did he have to say? "it was just sex between us." "it was during a time when we would fight often and i didn't think our relationship would work." do you know what i felt? i felt like taking a baseball bat to his head. imagining that made me feel a tad bit better. i looked at him, my eyes filling with tears, and replied "was it worth it?"

i am no longer 15 and he is not D, yet, the pain feels nostalgic. i have felt this pain before but not with this intensity. more than heartbreak i feel anger. i want him to suffer to his very last breath. and then i am reminded by the tiniest of voices inside my head that i am still very much in love with him. to think, i waited for him to change his mind for so long. i waited for him to be with me and the moment i move on that bastard makes me feel bad. tells me how i have hurt him and how he knows much more than i think. 

do you think i'm scared? no.

do you really want to know? i don't think so bitch.

yes, i did my part in hurting our relationship but it wasn't until i had had enough. T did it while i was still very much in love with him. he did it during a time when no one else mattered, when i lost all dignity and self respect, when i needed my fix of him and nothing more, he did it in a time where he should have just let me go.

and now we find ourselves here, three years later and we are no longer the same people. we do not think the same nor do we feel the same. now the truth has surfaced and nothing lies in the unknown. what shall we do? shall we stay here pretending that nothing happened? pretending that things will continue on without a hitch? come on come on come on. lets be realistic here for once. things will never be the same. trust will not mend itself, and i do not know whether or not i want to stick around to mend it back up.

i sit here typing these words, searching for a memory that will help me in this choice. i sit here, looking through all the files in my mind and i cannot find a single god damn thing. all i am left with are the memories of years gone by, of girls i used to be and of dreams of the woman i want to become. i am at a point where i love myself a little more everyday and that has made a world of difference.

so T, if you ever read this, just remember that i used to love you like i loved no other. you didn't break my heart this time, you simply made me stronger. i don't know if i want to stay with you forever...for the first time in three years i want to live...with or without you.

change is hard

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."                                                                     -Anatole France

change. in one word, i can describe what this year has brought upon me. i can still remember when the sun shone brightly in my direction, when the world seemed so vast and i knew everything there was to know. i sit on my bed, typing this blog, and i realize that i knew absolutely nothing. 

for three years, i suffered quietly and alone, as the relationship between T and i only worsened. what did he expect from me? i couldn't keep living separate lives, i couldn't keep bringing myself down, i finally realized that i was more than good enough. 

change.

such a small word, and yet, this past month could not have fit that word more perfectly. C and i reconnected in november but did not start really hanging out until december. it was magical from the beginning. he would open my car door, he would take me to places that i only imagined visiting, and he picked up the bill without hesitation. we had mre in common than i thought and when i met his friends the connection between us only grew stronger. a firey passion took a hold of my soul, and for the first time in a long time i finally felt loved. 

change.

T and i were two completely different people. as we reached the culmination of years of hurt and heart break, i took a firm stance that i wanted out. i could no longer allow myself to enter a new year in the same shit mess. however, something unexpected occurred. T looked me straight in the eye and promised that no matter how long it would take, he would prove that this time things would be different. he finally knew what he wanted, and what he wanted was me. dumbfound and speechless, i kicked him out and sat on my bed unsure of the future. 

change.

C treated me unlike any other man i have met. overflowing with passion, i was drawn to his persona on a spiritual level and i found it extremely difficult to escape. could it be that T and i really were not meant to be? could it be that in the end all you can do is give it your best try? i looked at C and envisioned the life i always wanted. even with the picture perfect man, i did not feel complete. 

change.

T wounded me deeply and i sank into a darkness that for a long time i did not know whether or not i would rise from. i did not want to face the truth of what T had done to me. i had stopped loving myself, i had forgotten that honesty does not bring about judgement, i had assumed that T would always remain static, i had lost all my trust in him and that is what hurt the most. T and began having very honest conversations and for the first time in thre years, i felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. the person who sat in front of me was not the person i had created in my mind. T exuded with passion, he listened without judging and understood the lifestyle that i yearned to have. T no longer seemed uncertain but instead possessed a confidence that filled my heart with a small glimmer of hope. 

change.

as the month went by, i found myself faced with a choice. i could give T a second chance or i could test my luck and enter a real grown up relationship. i sat in the darkness, eased my mind and thought for a while. maybe i was getting ahead of myself, maybe i was worrying too much about the future, or maybe, i had truly lost myself and wanted someone to guide me in the right direction. but what is the "right" direction? how does anyone know what will work out in the end? the truth is, the future is unwritten. i am a firm believer in fate, fate brought T and i together, fate brought C and i together but i had the power to write my future. 

change.

new years day came and went. as the clock struck midnight, i looked to my left and saw him standing there. at that moment, i knew what i wanted. i wanted to be loved with the same intensity that i loved, i wanted to be touched as though i had never been touched before, i wanted to be worship and hated all at the same time, i wanted to be adored and put in my place, i wanted to grow old and build a tribe with that man. as the new year rolled in, i locked eyes with him and instantly knew my answer.

change.

Thomas and i were soul mates. i knew the moment i first saw him in my third grade classroom that one day i would marry him. as i grew older, i tried to convince myself that fairy tales didn't happen in real life. then he found me. after all those years, seeing him in the flesh again i knew i wanted to marry him. three years passed by and we have been through hell and back and as the clock struck 12. i knew i wanted to be with him and only him. he did not change because i forced him, he changed because he wanted me. all i ever wanted was for him to want me. 

hope.

as a new year begins, i can only say that i am truly sorry for the pain i caused others over the past three years. i have had my share of grotesque and cruelness and have strung along one to many men in my attempt to drown out my pain. i am deeply sorry for any pain i caused you. for those who left my side, i have finally let go of the heart ache and wish you nothing but the best. and for C, i could have fallen in love with you very easily. you met me in a very difficult time in my life and for that i am sorry. you were a beacon in a time where i was surrounded in darkness and if you had not came into my life then perhaps T would never have changed, and perhaps i would not be this happy. 

2014 brings forth new beginnings, Thomas and i will work at our relationship everyday. we will never forget the struggles we had to overcome to get to this point and we will never let the small stuff stress us out. here's to a great year, here's to Thomas and I, heres to our future, may we write whatever the hell we want and never apologize for being this happy.

because soul mates exist and one day when you least expect it, love will come knocking on your door.