change is hard

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."                                                                     -Anatole France

change. in one word, i can describe what this year has brought upon me. i can still remember when the sun shone brightly in my direction, when the world seemed so vast and i knew everything there was to know. i sit on my bed, typing this blog, and i realize that i knew absolutely nothing. 

for three years, i suffered quietly and alone, as the relationship between T and i only worsened. what did he expect from me? i couldn't keep living separate lives, i couldn't keep bringing myself down, i finally realized that i was more than good enough. 

change.

such a small word, and yet, this past month could not have fit that word more perfectly. C and i reconnected in november but did not start really hanging out until december. it was magical from the beginning. he would open my car door, he would take me to places that i only imagined visiting, and he picked up the bill without hesitation. we had mre in common than i thought and when i met his friends the connection between us only grew stronger. a firey passion took a hold of my soul, and for the first time in a long time i finally felt loved. 

change.

T and i were two completely different people. as we reached the culmination of years of hurt and heart break, i took a firm stance that i wanted out. i could no longer allow myself to enter a new year in the same shit mess. however, something unexpected occurred. T looked me straight in the eye and promised that no matter how long it would take, he would prove that this time things would be different. he finally knew what he wanted, and what he wanted was me. dumbfound and speechless, i kicked him out and sat on my bed unsure of the future. 

change.

C treated me unlike any other man i have met. overflowing with passion, i was drawn to his persona on a spiritual level and i found it extremely difficult to escape. could it be that T and i really were not meant to be? could it be that in the end all you can do is give it your best try? i looked at C and envisioned the life i always wanted. even with the picture perfect man, i did not feel complete. 

change.

T wounded me deeply and i sank into a darkness that for a long time i did not know whether or not i would rise from. i did not want to face the truth of what T had done to me. i had stopped loving myself, i had forgotten that honesty does not bring about judgement, i had assumed that T would always remain static, i had lost all my trust in him and that is what hurt the most. T and began having very honest conversations and for the first time in thre years, i felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. the person who sat in front of me was not the person i had created in my mind. T exuded with passion, he listened without judging and understood the lifestyle that i yearned to have. T no longer seemed uncertain but instead possessed a confidence that filled my heart with a small glimmer of hope. 

change.

as the month went by, i found myself faced with a choice. i could give T a second chance or i could test my luck and enter a real grown up relationship. i sat in the darkness, eased my mind and thought for a while. maybe i was getting ahead of myself, maybe i was worrying too much about the future, or maybe, i had truly lost myself and wanted someone to guide me in the right direction. but what is the "right" direction? how does anyone know what will work out in the end? the truth is, the future is unwritten. i am a firm believer in fate, fate brought T and i together, fate brought C and i together but i had the power to write my future. 

change.

new years day came and went. as the clock struck midnight, i looked to my left and saw him standing there. at that moment, i knew what i wanted. i wanted to be loved with the same intensity that i loved, i wanted to be touched as though i had never been touched before, i wanted to be worship and hated all at the same time, i wanted to be adored and put in my place, i wanted to grow old and build a tribe with that man. as the new year rolled in, i locked eyes with him and instantly knew my answer.

change.

Thomas and i were soul mates. i knew the moment i first saw him in my third grade classroom that one day i would marry him. as i grew older, i tried to convince myself that fairy tales didn't happen in real life. then he found me. after all those years, seeing him in the flesh again i knew i wanted to marry him. three years passed by and we have been through hell and back and as the clock struck 12. i knew i wanted to be with him and only him. he did not change because i forced him, he changed because he wanted me. all i ever wanted was for him to want me. 

hope.

as a new year begins, i can only say that i am truly sorry for the pain i caused others over the past three years. i have had my share of grotesque and cruelness and have strung along one to many men in my attempt to drown out my pain. i am deeply sorry for any pain i caused you. for those who left my side, i have finally let go of the heart ache and wish you nothing but the best. and for C, i could have fallen in love with you very easily. you met me in a very difficult time in my life and for that i am sorry. you were a beacon in a time where i was surrounded in darkness and if you had not came into my life then perhaps T would never have changed, and perhaps i would not be this happy. 

2014 brings forth new beginnings, Thomas and i will work at our relationship everyday. we will never forget the struggles we had to overcome to get to this point and we will never let the small stuff stress us out. here's to a great year, here's to Thomas and I, heres to our future, may we write whatever the hell we want and never apologize for being this happy.

because soul mates exist and one day when you least expect it, love will come knocking on your door.