Unbroken

"Where does the good go with your broken heart in tow, 
what do you do with the left over you?
and how do you know when to let go?
where does the good go, where does the good go?"
-Tegan and Sara 'Where Does The Good Go'

i find myself sitting in my bedroom thinking about what this summer will bring about. i wonder how i got to this point and if i will ever leave. but, the real question i ask myself is simply "why am i still here?" three summers ago, i lost myself. i allowed myself to get swept up in a whirlwind romance and the pieces of who i had been were tossed to the wind...never to be seen again. i woke up this morning with a new state of mind. i don't want to be the girl i used to be, i want to be someone new. 

the heartache i felt when T first left subsided over the past year and a feeling of nostalgia remains in its place. i look at pictures of the past two years and its astonishing how things have changed. i have turned into someone i don't even recognize in the mirror and i cannot stand the sight anymore. i will change into the person i want to become, even if that means i need to move away. 

i have burned all my bridges down and the only path i have left is this one: i need to find myself in the wilderness, with nothing but my own thoughts to guide me. i quit smoking, drinking, and began an exercise regiment that leaves me physically exhausted to allow my soul the serenity it needs. 

as for T, my time waiting for him to make up his mind has come to an end. the pain no longer paralyzes me and my courage has soared. i cannot stay static and if that means parting ways then so be it. i still believe in true love, i know that the man for me is out there somewhere, perhaps he's at a coffeee shop reading a novel, or maybe he's at a flea market browsing through the hidden treasures, or just maybe he's been in my life the whole time and i've been to blind to notice. whatever the case may be, i do believe he'll show up eventually and that's when i'll be ready.

so T, if you ever read this just remember:
i loved you like no other. i gave up everything for you. what killed our love was not your indecisiveness, but instead my inability to love myself. i hope that one day you love someone with an intensity that feels like you're going to die...that's the only love worth fighting for. 

as for myself, this summer i am finally unbroken. i am undergoing a metamorphosis and i shall be born anew.