The American Dream.

“If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery--isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is.”
-Charles Bukowski

The heat has become almost unbearable for some, as for me, i rather enjoy the heat. it takes me back to a time where life seemed set in stone. a time when i thought i knew all the answers to the universe. yet, as the hot winds intensify, i can't help but to smile. nothing lasts forever and sometimes that isn't such a bad thing. 

for the past two months, i have been a very strange state. i love myself with such zealous ferociousness that i could no longer stand being taken for granted. i began to do things for myself in every possible sense of the phrase and by god did i go far. i suppose my life tooka drastic turn the night i met a man. now, of course you'll say "oh boy! how many men have changed her life!" true, i do seem to place such grandiose significance on the men that come into my life but he isn't the average man. i accompanied my sister Candie to The Huntley. while at the bar on the top floor, we looked upon the cold, dark, and beautiful city of Santa Monica. of course, the view we each saw was completely different. as we sat there, surrounded by the voices of drunken strangers a man came up to us. J oozed charisma. his smile alone captivated the gaze and once he lured you in, it was very difficult to come out alive. however, he did not catch my eye. although he came up to me and introduced himself, he didn't fit my type. that's when i noticed him. taking a seat next to J was D. now, quite in his demeanor, once he got to talking his personality caught my attention. all over the place, focused, kind, ambitious, loyal, and handsome...D was quite a catch. but, alas, he seemed oblivious to my existence what with my sister being there (a girl can only dream of being half as pretty as she is). the night was young and so were we and thus began the night that i would remember forever.

drinks after drinks, we talked, laughed and by closing time we were whisked away to J's new home in Santa Monica. a beautiful little house with a gorgeous backyard, my sister and i were delighted that they were so fun to be around. now, i know what you'll say "how could you be so careless!" or "of course you guys fucked!" on the contrary, it was a very calm night. once we arrived at J's house, drinks were poured and each of us found a quite spot to talk. D led me on a tour of the house and we discussed almost everything. where he went to school, what he did for work, what i wanted to do in life, the relationships i had in the past and how i wanted to change it badly, and it was all very natural. he was a complete stranger and yet he was as attentive as any one of my closest friends. maybe this guy isn't just trying to fuck me. by the time i realized it, the clock read 6am and all chances of scoring were out the window. they put us in a cab and we went home. the next day all i could think about was how spectacular that night had been. D had my number but i did not expect a call.

several days later, things with T seemed tedious. i no longer wanted to argue nor did i care to make an effort. i had abandoned ship and T didn't even know it.then D texted me. my heart skipped a beat. we spoke about ordinary things and nothing more than friends. however, every time he texted me i couldn't help but smile. what was this feeling? i didn't like hi per say or did i? i left on a cruise with Candie and her friend, only to return a changed person.

we left to ensenada, mexico and life will never be the same. i have never been the kind of girl to think that i could be pretty in any fashion. i thought perhaps some guys may find me attractive but many? never in my wildest dreams. while on that cruise the amount of men who offered me drinks, wanted to dance with me or hell wanted to fuck me was enormous. men who not only had money but education and a knowledge that was larger than mine. now that's what i had wanted in life. men with ambition, men who knew what they wanted and weren't afraid to get it (even if that included me). while drinking at Papas and Beer, an older gentleman asked if we would like to sit with them. now, for me this was nothing more than old school. a gentleman asks for a lady to sit him him, to join him at his table. i leapt at the opportunity. we didn't have to pay for anything and i had a blast. as the hours passed, we came up on conversation that explained why he chose to invite us. Candie's friend is a gorgous woman. with a butt that will make women envious and an hourglass figure that's too die for. when we were invited, i immediately thought that he was interested in her. so i enjoyed the perks of being her friend. as the conversation unfolded, i came to know that he had been interested in me the whole time. dumbfounded, i gasp when the words left his lips "me? are you sure?" he laughed. "but of course you! you give off the air of innocence and yet your eyes are tantalizing. as though you are no innocent girl, but a woman in every sense of the word." i came back home with a completely different set of eyes. for the first time, i understood the extent of my magnetism. 

i broke up with T after i came back home. i couldn't stay any more. my love for him had slowly withered and soon would be extinguished. a wave of relief crashed over me once T left. at that moment i knew i had done the right thing. i would live for me and no one else. i would never again change to fit someone's "idea" of a perfect woman and i would never again love someone more than i loved myself. because i was flawless. 

that weekend i went down to San Diego with my cousin. in the hopes of escaping the city and clearing my head. while there, i took my first gamble and texted D. i told him i would be there that weekend and he immediately offered to take me out. why the hell not. the weekend couldn't have been any more spectacular. sure we did the bar scene (hel he treated my cousin and our friend to drinks all night) but he also took me to other places. he took me to dinner, the zoo, to his house (i met his sister and her husband and theyre baby). we hit it off ina way that's very strange for me. i have never met a stranger that seems so wonderful and full of life. he was flawed just like me and did not patronize me for being older. we had such a great time that he decided to come up to LA the following weekend just to see me. 

my weekend in LA with him was jaw dropping. we stayed at the Omni in little tokyo (how could i not be gawking) and he took me to a clipper game at the Staples Center. he introduced me to some of his friends and took me to some many different places in LA that i didn't even know existed. we also discovered that when it comes to the bedroom, nothing is off limits. passion in all the right places, the weekend went by in a flash and when he left all i could do was think "god damn, life is so good!" we saw each other for mother's day and have plans for memorial day weekend. am i getting ahead of myself? perhaps. does he even like me? maybe not. but for the first time, i really don't care. i am having the time of my life, experiencing life with an older man and its fabulous. the things he wants to do are so different from what i'm accustomed to that there is never a dull moment.

D was the light at the end of the tunnel, where i knew things would get better if only i held on to hope. hope that one day i would fill the void inside me. 

to everyone i have hurt in the past, i am truly sorry. i am no longer the frightened, fearful, love longing girl i used to be. i am woman hear me roar. i am strong, beautiful, charming, vicious, erotic, intelligent, cruel, loving and dorky. a balance of ying and yang that i work on everyday to maintain. i no longer fear what people think of me, i am what i am and nothing else. i will do what i want, say what i want, feel what i what because only i live my life. to T, i ask for forgiveness and i say that i have forgiven you. may you find happiness in everything you do.

i am finally ready to really honestly do things. take leaps of faith, do extraordinary things and find my own american dream.