a fork in the road.

I was feeling sad,
Can't help looking back
Highways flew by...
Run, run, run away
No sense of time
I'd like you to stay,
Want keep you inside
-"Runaway," Yeah Yeah Yeahs


as thanksgiving approaches i can't help but feel as though i should be grateful for all the things i posses in life that others do not have. for one thing, i am alive. i woke up this morning in a warm bed, in a safe apartment, in a vibrant city. i have food in my fridge, i have clothes on my back, shoes on my feet, and family who loves me. i am going to college, i have friends that keep me feeling alive, i have glasses that help me see the world. i have countless books and movies, i have countless cds, i have my hearing and my sight. i have a wonderful boyfriend and i have my sanity. all these things are only the tip of the iceberg of the countless things i am thankful for, yet something keeps eating away at me. 


am i where i need to be or have i settled?


maybe i'm suffering from a severe case of homesickness or maybe it's my gut that's telling me this can't be it...this can't be the place where i should be for the next three years. i like asu i do but did i settle for this school? my thoughts are consumed with second guessing myself. i tried talking to T about it but alas he has his own preconceptions about the subject that venting perhaps isn't meant for me. no matter how hard i try i find myself at this crossroads. 


did i make the right choice?


i don't know if i can ever come to terms with the decision i made. i miss my family, i miss my friends, i miss my city bubbling with life at all hours of the day and night. being here...i feel so out of place: i feel utterly and hopelessly alone. i cannot seem to "fit in" with the culture here, with this confusing vibe. i'm going home this weekend and for the first time i am grateful for that home. though for many years it seemed to be the root of many of my problems, today it is the only place in the world i where i yearn to be. i look out my window and see nothing familiar. familiarity is what i want, it's the comfort i seek and cannot find in this state. strangers pass me by all day without ever getting close enough to become familiar.


going back home.


i don't know what the future has in store for me, i don't know what tomorrow will bring, whether or not my plans will go accordingly but i do know that my priorities have change. i am not this fierce girl who can pack up and leave everything behind. no. i am a scared kid who wants to have mommy around. pathetic i know but it's the truth i have been trying to conceal. i want to be close to home and know that i have somewhere to come back to when my life breaks down. i want security, i want love, i want to be back in my room alone with everyone. 


thanksgiving is coming up and i'm grateful for many things, but i am most grateful for one thing: the ability to feel what i need to feel.


i may not have ended up where i wanted to but perhaps i ended up where i needed to be. this distance has made me grow up in a manner that i have never encountered...i am afraid to grow up...alone with no one.