dawn.

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
-"Breathe," Anna Nalick


it's a sickening feeling. i can't eat, i can't sleep, i can't write. all i do is think. think about how i let down my guard and let him in. all i want to do is be numb but it seems that all i can do is fucking think. 


"it's the best thing...for the both of us."


i wanted a choice, i wanted a chance to prove that when the going got tough...i could make it work. alas, relationships are not one sided and if they are well, then they come to an end. it's a sickening feeling, to know we were perfect for each other and i was the only one who thought that. i can't make someone try if they don't want too, all i can do is say goodbye and make my peace with the situation. 


peace.


i can't find comfort in the things i love. writing? hell, i can't even conjure a sentence without it sounding ridiculous. all i have to show for this love is this: pieces of a heart i never knew existed. ultimately that's what i am the most thankful for. he showed me a girl i thought had died many, many years ago. he showed me a girl whose passions did not burn out but merely grew faint. he showed me a girl capable of really, truly loving someone. he showed me the real me and i can never repay him for that. 


perplexedhippie.


i am what i am. a girl who was never meant to be tied down, who was never meant to stay in one place for too long, who was never meant to fall in love. love, it complicated things, it blurred my vision and ruined everything. still, i saw a rose colored world which captivated every single one of my senses...a dream world that i never wanted to wake from. I don't know who i am or what i want but i've finally realized that it's ok to be lost. no one knows what they want. all i can do is seize every opportunity life offers. i found love and i let it engulf my entire being and i have no regrets. though it may hurt today, perhaps in time, the pain will lessen and eventually even go away. time flies, i may not be alive next year or ten years from now so why waste a day wallowing in sadness. i am feeling what i need to feel and that is good enough. 


2am.


it's 2am back home and i am sitting writing this while thinking to myself "is this necessary?" yes. with happiness comes pain and unless you experience both life isn't worth it. i hit the crossroads of my life and i was pushed into a path. i thought i wanted a choice, i thought i wanted to make the decision for myself but as i walk along this path i realize it's exactly what i need. i need to be far away from home, i need to create myself, i need to learn to be alone. unless i go through life alone and happy with myself, how can i expect to make someone else happy? i need to look at the brighter side of things instead of hiding behind my "realism." i need to move on.


breathe.


the night was cold, the air was still, the world has gone dark and i lost all hope. i thought the sun brought me happiness but i forgot that a shooting star can only be seen at night. a shooting star that carries the weight of my ambitions without hesitation. 


thank you Thomas, i wish you the best in life and i know you will be an amazing doctor someday. as for me, i will be ok one day. i finally love myself. 


one day, when i least expect it, a man will find me in a local coffee shop. my cup of coffee will rest delicately next to my book while my hands move furiously to get my thoughts on paper. he will ask to sit at my table, i will look up, and fall in love again.
i hope that man is you Thomas, but if not...know that you have made me the perfect girl for my perfect man.