Hit the Reset Button.

“It's interesting, isn't it, to watch this character attempting to reconstruct herself, quite literally, in the midst of this chaos?”
-Liz Kay

my my what a year has done to me. San Diego, you were beautiful to me. you taught me how love can still exist, you taught me that pain can be monumental, and you taught me to learn to let go of the chaos. 

it's been about a year since i've written anything and to be quite frank, i was too busy LIVING. was it a good life? sometimes. for the most part, i lived a half life. i found myself working as a hostess at two restaurants downtown and in a world of sex, drugs and a blur. who had i become? i had completely lost myself and all morals i once had. after i broke up with D2, i had become a wreck and succumbed to the entrapment of cocaine. i had found men that would use me and in turn, i would use them for more coke. what a fucking vicious cycle. at my breaking point i had burned the bridges with E and C remained the love of my life that would never love me back. heartbroken and a complete mess, i opted to do the only thing left to do:rehab.

now, i decided to go back to my hometown and face my demons head on. i went to a rehab in Santa Monica and boy, did reality hit me like a two ton truck. i had been striped of all my coping mechanisms and left to face my emotions in their rawest form. fuck this. i spent 90 days being indoctrinated with how to "live" a sober life. meetings after meetings, what little freedom i had had been carefully supervised and i was left alone with my thoughts. i had gone in with the mentality of never being with a man again, for in the end, men had been my downfall again and again. fuck men. to hell with men. they could all suck my cock for a change. to my dismay, women are no easier creatures to deal with. egocentric and cruel, the women at the facility proved to be a challenge far greater than any i've encountered. they were ruthless and judgmental and for the first time i realized that i was not like them. empathetic and supportive, i had become a doormat for people to walk all over and in rehab i would stand my ground. however, getting to the point proved to be difficult. i showed up a few days before thanksgiving, broken and ashamed, i watched as other girls maneuvered their way through the system. what on earth was i doing here? i was an addict that's for sure but had i really gone down this far? simply put, i had. i had reached rock bottom and well, when that happens all you can do is dust yourself off and get the fuck up. 

i met many women who changed my life for the better and i was the poster child for rehab. i did everything right and had no qualms with anyone. but, what changed everything was B. i ran into him sometime in december, i had an appointment with the psychologist and he was in the lobby waiting to be admitted. my first thought was "ehh he's kind of cute" but that quickly became irrelevant when i realized he was in rehab just like me. how on earth could that possibly be good? not only that, there would be no way he would be interested. at the meeting later that evening, i went up to him and told him hello, he had a brief conversation and that was the extent of that. my feelings definitely changed the moment DB mentioned she liked B. she was one of the few friends i had there and so out of respect, i let go of any feelings i had (not to mention he probably had no clue who i was). weeks went by and the two of them got closer and i focused on myself. I met J at a MA meting in culver city. a few years younger than me, he proved to be much more understanding than other people. we flirted in a very coy manner for weeks until one day he picked me up to go to a meeting. we went to a meeting and afterwards he invited me to dinner. we laughed and i was extremely honest with him. about my past, the hurt and how i found myself in rehab. he didn't judge and honestly just listened. he took me to the beach and under the night sky, while listening to the ocean waves he kissed me. i thought, maybe this was it. maybe i would find happiness. alas that didn't pan out. i had called C one night and told him everything that happened and where i was and out of nowhere he said he would come and visit me. shocked, i could help but feel excited to see him. after all, he was leaving to Spain and i would never see him again. 

C showed up on a saturday afternoon and i took him to my favorite part of town: little tokyo. we had ramen at my favorite place and for a spilt second it was as if nothing had changed between us. he kissed me first (which surprised me considering how much he disliked kissing in general) and held my hand the entire time. i could feel my heart breaking but i also needed the closure. i'll never forget the look on his face when he dropped me off at my meeting later that night, i was never really good at goodbyes but this proved to be especially hard. the both of us were on the verge of tears and for the first time i could see just how much he cared for me. i couldn't understand why he couldn't commit but now i understand, it leaves you vulnerable. it takes an amount of courage that he wasn't ready for and i was just this selfish piece of shit who wanted things her way. that night stays engraved in my memory as if it were branded onto me. he was the love of my life. he was my soul mate and i will never find someone like him in a million years. but not all soul mates are meant to stay in your life. some are just supposed to come and shake you up. and that he did. i learned to love with him. i learned to love myself with him. i learned to be alone.

as i walked back to the facility, tears streaming down my face, i ran into B. by this time, we had become somewhat friends and i was relieved to see a familiar face. i asked him if he wanted to hang out with me and take a walk and to my surprise he agreed. we walked for hours around the promenade, talking about my night and how disappointed i was at how my life turned out. and all he did was listen. it was comforting to say the least. our friendship continued to blossom after that night and we were able to learn a lot about each other. DB had left rehab and according to some sources had begun using heroine once again. then one night, she was gone. ODed and never woke up. i have never experienced such a loss before and felt shocked at how real things could get. were drugs worth it? no. but they sure as hell felt so god damn good. i asked B how he felt considering that he and DB were close. i assumed they were an item but when i asked he candidly replied with "we were just friends."  that's when things began to change between us. it was a spark i suppose, something was ignited in the both of us and we couldn't help it. by the time i left the facility we were official. 

did i make a rash decision? probably but that's me. i jump full throttle into things because, hell, there's only one chance in life, and i'm going to take it. for far too long i allowed myself to become a victim of my surroundings but not this time. this time i would choose to make my future a little bit brighter. i relapsed after i got out and felt like a piece of shit until i realized that purpose is what's needed in life. i had no purpose, no sense of direction. i had done the school thing, i had done the minimum wage job thing, i had relocated time and time again and still i felt nothing. so, i did the only thing that was left to do; i joined the navy. now, anyone who knows me would say "what the actauly fuck Carmen? are you serious?!" and to be fair years ago i would have chimed in. but this time its different. i need a purpose. i need discipline. i need something bigger than me to fill this void i have in my soul. 

so it's with courage that i say my life has made a complete 360. i don't do drugs, i don't have many friends that i keep in constant contact with anymore, and i am content with living at home with my mom. i am content with my life in this very moment and i have never felt that way before. i yearned for more and more and always ended up feeling like a failure. now, as my departure for bootcamp approaches, i can't help but feel a sense of pride. 

my life is no where near where i thought it would be but i wouldn't change it for anything in the world. my experiences have changed my mentality for the better and i have come to accept my flaws. i am reborn, i am a different soul and i am thrilled to see where this new life will take me. the countries i'll visit, the people i'll meet and the structure i'll have to make my life...manageable. 

cheers! to having lived a quarter if a century and knowing that life will be alright.