revised.

“The trouble with friends was that you couldn’t get rid of them. There was no way to take back a friendship in the wake of betrayal or disappointment. The friendship, and everything that went with it, stayed. It just became unreliable, like an abandoned house; you still knew where all the rooms were, and which stairs creaked underfoot, but you had to check every floorboard for rot before trusting your weight to it.”

-Chris Moriarty

talk about a 180 degree turn. 
it's july and i find myself living in socal once again.
but things couldn't be any more different.
my relationships with everyone i once knew have changed and the trouble with coming home is that the place remains the same...it's me who isn't the same.


J and i have hit rock bottom. after discovering that the love her life is a piece of shit, i was place between a rock and a hard place. i thought she would want to hear my opinion as a friend but i was completely mistaken. it was opinion what she least wanted to hear and thus i caused the demise of our friendship. but the thing with friends is that you can't just cut them out. we stay in each other lives but become outsiders all at the same time. 


R and i had a reunion after months of not seeing each other and it was as if nothing had happened. i did nothing to demonstrate that i had any problems but i that only made things worse for me. acting as if nothing was wrong was avoiding my problem and he seemed to be perfectly fine with that...i am not. i am not ok with pretending that everything is ok. i am done running away from my issues, i am done sedating my mind from over thinking shit, i want to feel something again. even if that means feeling emptiness and alone. 


T and i are stuck in the same old rut and what's news there right? we act like we are still a couple but things are different. i cannot keep acting like i'm alright with it but i cannot bring myself to letting go...for good. i want him in my life but maybe things are better left broken. i sit outside my front porch wondering if life will get any easier and as i look out onto the empty street i realize that things will never get easier. when did my life get so complicated? when did i get so complicated? when did i stop feeling?


i am turning 20 this year. two years ago i thought i had everything figured out and here i am, lost and out of control. i have no say when it comes to the boy i love, i have damaged my relationship with my best friend and the gay boy whom i thought would love me forever is but a stranger to me now. drugs, alcohol and parties don't change anything. i wake up the next still empty and i want none of this anymore.


could it be that i have found rock bottom? could it be that i just want a new beginning? or am i just lying to myself? 


whatever the case may be, all i want is to feel loved unconditionally for who i am. over dramatic, sarcastic, desperate, compulsive, spontaneous, jealous, passionate, depressed, and loving. i want someone to change me...i want someone to change for me...i want someone to change my world...i want to be able to change my own.


i want to feel something, any fucking thing at all.