LA woman.

"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire."

-Charles Bukowsi


perhaps it's fate, perhaps it's a series of unrelated events all occurring at the exact same moment, but whatever it is, it lead me right back home. i wish i were describing how my life at ASU couldn't be any better, i wish i could say that my feelings for T have disappeared into nothingness, i wish i could stop time. however, this isn't fiction and as we all know too well is that life doesn't give us those happy endings. 


the beginning of the end.
imagine waking up the day before you are supposed to return back to college. imagine having your bags packed and your good byes said. imagine asking your mother what time your flight leaves in the morning. now, pay close attention, imagine your mother telling you that there is no ticket back to school...imagine blinking and realizing that it's not a dream. welcome to my life. 2012 started off on quite a bang (if i do say so myself). my mother just so happened to have lots of bills this semester and my school didn't make the cut on the priority list. but wait, there's more! she also rented out my room at home meaning that not only could i not return to school but i also could not return home. what do you do when your entire world comes crumbling down? ah, well you crumble down with grace. i decided to call ASU, move my stuff out, and find a place to live. i said good bye to my mother and didn't look back. now, i was never rude and i would be lying if i said i didn't love her even after everything. i love my mother, i do, but sometimes you come to the realization that loving someone is not enough. love can only go so far and then it's up to the person to keep the love alive. love can not survive for long when it's one-sided. sometimes in life, you have to let go of the people you love. i give her thanks for everything she has done (good and bad) because without those experiences i would not be the person i am today. Thank you Maria, may you enjoy the rest of your life and i'll be sure to send the occasional post card.


a new beginning. 
i decided that a community college would be my best bet and hopefully my ticket into a UC. it's a long shot but when you have nothing left to lose, opportunities seem abundant. i moved to riverside and opted to find my own apartment. i called relatives and have found much kindness in the most unexpected places. i also found myself in a very odd situation with T. to put it bluntly, we had sex. "what is wrong with you?" are statements that seem appropriate but i assure you no need for stating the obvious. what is wrong with me you ask? i'm hoplessly, stupidly head over heel for this boy. now, that's not to say i'm a dumb girl. on the contrary, the time spent with him made me realize something: i deserve better. convenience should never be an option to start a relationship on. I deserve someone willing to stand by my side regardless of proximity. i deserve someone who doesn't care what i have or haven't done, someone with a thirst of knowledge that exceeds my own, someone with a charm that makes the girls swoon yet has no need to keep his options open. i need a man not a boy and oddly enough for the first time in my life, i am willingly to wait for him. 


so where do you go when you hit rock bottom?
when you hit the bottom, there is only one place left to go: up. my life can be sized up to ten boxes and nothing else. i am in a constant state of numbness but i don't overlook the notion that perhaps, one day, things will be ok. the future used to scare me, growing up used to shut me up, death used to be a taboo subject. now, all i want to do is disappear for a while and wake up in a different city, a different country, a different person. who knows, maybe one day i'll catch a break and then again maybe i need the tough road to keep me on my toes. 


chiao bella arizona, hello brilliant los angeles.